"Thirsty"

She’s 5’6”attractive, beautiful skin, curly hair, kind-hearted, funny, open-minded and intelligent. Imagine this woman slowly trying to make her way through the desert. The sun is hot and completely unbearable. She is extremely parched and her mouth is beginning to crack at the sides. This woman is dehydrated and exhausted but she keeps walking, searching, hoping to find some miraculous source of water to quench her thirst. She looks under the trees, under rocks, under the sand; she looks everywhere searching, believing she will find water. She is absolutely desperate to find water and she will do almost anything to quench her thirst. This woman walking in the desert is symbolic for a “thirsty” woman; a woman who searches and seeks a man, any man. Although this woman is attractive and has a lot of great characteristics about herself she will allow her emotional and mental bodies to suffer all in hopes that she can find a man. This woman is emotionally, mentally and spiritually dehydrated but she continues to search for a man like a thirsty woman searching for water in the Sahara desert; but why? What causes us women to become desperate over a man?
The fear of being alone is a fear that many women have and one of the main reasons why we women become desperate over a man. No woman wants to be successful, have great a career, a beautiful house, a luxury car and have no man to share her success and life with. The fear of being alone will cause us women to hold onto a man we should have let go 6 months or 6 years ago. The fear of being alone will have us out on dates with men we really don’t like just so we don’t have to be at home alone on a Saturday night. This fear will have us sleeping with someone else’s man because we don’t have one. This fear will have us being the “booty call” the “friend’s with benefits” even though we want more than that but we will settle for being his “play thing” because at least some man is holding us late at night. The fear of being alone makes us desperate and makes us compromise ourselves and our bodies all for the sake of having a man around- even if it’s temporary, even if he doesn’t belong to us or even if he doesn’t want/like us. The fear of being alone causes us women to stay when we should leave, causes us to call when he’s clearly, “not that into you”, causes us to always be available and ultimately it causes us to compromise who we are and act out of character. This fear ultimately causes us pain that could have been avoided.
When we are desperate for a man, his attention and his time we send that desperate energy off consciously or unconsciously. Men can tell the desperate woman (even when we try to put up a front) and he will pursue her and once he gets what he wants- sex, he will keep it at that- just sex. One of my male friends said that desperation to him signals a woman who has no standards. He said a desperate woman presents no challenge to him (and you know men love challenges- ego) and therefore he can behave or do as he pleases regardless of how she feels. Because the fear of being alone is one of the main causes of desperation we must let that fear go in order for us to be in balance with ourselves and with a man.
Another reason why so many of us women can become or are desperate is because we do not know or are unaware of our value. Many of us don’t know how beautiful we are- both inside and out, how intelligent we are, how talented we are, how much we give and how much we have to offer to the world and to a man. When we women de-value ourselves we think, “Man, he’s such a wonderful guy and I’m lucky to have him” but really he is the lucky guy and both of you guys are lucky to have each other. We have to learn to appreciate ourselves, be aware of our strengths and all of who we are because when we don’t we find ourselves with men who are not “up to par”, we find ourselves being the “booty call” when we are clearly wife material, we find ourselves staying when there are 10,000 red flags that “he ain’t the one”. We find ourselves making excuses for his inexcusable behavior. Now everything in balance because even good men will have their flaws just like we do, but a flaw that destroys the relationship and “deal breakers”- you’re just a “booty call”, constantly inconsistent, hasn’t introduced you to his parents, doesn’t believe in marriage, has “commitment issues”, lies, anger issues, hates his mama, alcoholic ect. - these things are going to destroy a relationship long term. When we are unaware of our value and what we posses as women we really end up just playing ourselves. Because I have been unaware of my own value as a woman at times I have been desperate over a man. I have thought “he’s such a great guy”- he’s intelligent, witty, positive, encouraging and fine but he wasn’t that into me because I was so desperate and I’m sure he could sense that about me. Because I was unaware of my value and all that I have to offer as a person and as a woman he could not see my value either. When we sell our self short and are unaware of our value we cannot expect a man to see in us what we fail to see in ourselves.
The third reason I believe many of us women become desperate is because we are looking for a a man to feel a void and save us from some emotional, mental or financial bind/situation. That is to say we women jump from man to man thinking, “Maybe he will make me happy” “Maybe he will take away the pain of being molested” “Maybe he will take care of me financially” or “Maybe he can provide me with some really good sex”. The reality is no man can feel a void in your heart or in your mind, only God can. A man may make you feel good or provide something for you temporarily but true joy and happiness comes from within. Happiness comes when we focus our attention on our internal world, ourselves, our talents, our dreams, our children, our God. We have to ask ourselves why do we become desperate for a man’s attention? What does his attention do for me? Why am I willing to be the “chick on the side” when I really don’t want that? Why am I afraid to be alone? And am I aware of value?
For the women who have the fear of being alone you must do away with this fear because it is not real. We can have a good man, a family, great friends and the life we desire if we choose, but we must be careful not to become desperate to get that man; he will come to you. We must replace that fear of being alone with the belief/faith that the man we need will come when we are ready. We must know who we are and what we have to offer. I suggest making a list of 100 strengths about yourself so that you can see your value and what you truly posses. We women must know that although we have our flaws we are beautiful- inside and out. When we are aware of our strengths and our intrinsic value we will no longer be seeking his attention, instead we will be conscious and confident of who we are. He will see your value because you know your value and he will seek and pursue you, not the reverse. Lastly, we must remember that a man is just that- a man, not God. Whatever internal void we feel we have to know that no man can heal that void. No man can create our own individual self-esteem. We must know our value is just as high with or without him. Our value exists because we are created in the Image of God and no man can take that away or add to that. We must be careful to not become thirsty for a man in any form because all it does is turn a man off, makes us de-value ourselves and causes us pain. We cannot think if we just give him everything, are always available, the “booty call” or the “friends with benefits” that he will magically see the light and fall in love. Let’s love ourselves, know our value, focus on ourselves, focus on God and be true to who we are because we are just too fine, too intelligent, funny, witty, talented, attractive, spiritual, ambitious, graceful, kind, sincere, bold, pretty, beautifully shaped, goal-orientated, honest, perceptive, sexy, giving, nurturing, and did I mention sexy, nice, inspiring, motivating, open-minded, strong, political, go-getters, focused, athletic, great mothers, uplifting, awesome teachers, awesome wives and girlfriends, patient…. (You finish the rest)….

Peace, Miss Deliverance.