Walking by Faith, Not by Sight

“I found strength, courage and wisdom; it’s been inside of me all along.”

Sometimes God requires that we walk out on faith and “don’t ask no questions!” Sometimes God commands us to do something that we feel we are not ready to do or something we are afraid of doing. When God commands us to do something we must put the fear aside and do what we are told. Fear was not made for human consumption and the Bible says “For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
The other day God reminded me of my responsibility. God reminded me that I am to begin my woman’s discussion group- “Sacred Women”. Not only did God tell me to start the woman’s discussion group but to start it next week! Now, “God I’m not ready for all this, don’t you think you are moving a little fast? I need some more time. Am I really going be able to host my own woman’s discussion group?” These were my fearful thoughts but I did not focus on them. The next day I created flyers for my first woman’s discussion group. I began to pass out informational flyers even though I was nervous and afraid. We cannot let fear stop us from using our gifts and talents. God gave me a gift to speak and motivate and empower women and I MUST use the gift. If we sit on our gifts, our children will sit on their gifts as well. Stand up and work through the fear! We must remember that our gift is greater than our fear. We must remember that God is greater than fear. In order for us to transcend into the next level we must get out of our comfort zone.
Next Thursday I will have my first woman’s discussion group at my house. I have made a commitment to empower women but more importantly I have made a commitment to my gift and to my God. I will let you know how it goes…

“Now everyday I pray for strength, courage and wisdom; it’s been inside of me all along.” India Arie

With Love, Miss D. (This clip is just for fun- "Don't ask no questions!") LOL

"I've Lost The Use of My Heart, but..."

When I heard Sade’s newest entitled single/album- “Solider of Love” I instantly loved it! I purchased the album soon after its release and I read the lyrics to myself. “I’ve lost the use of my heart, but I’m still alive… I’m a solider of love… I’ve been torn up inside (hoo) I’ve been left behind (hoo) Tall I ride I have the will to survive.” These lyrics resonated with my heart and in my spirit because I know all too well that love requires resilience. Love requires the ability to be “torn up inside” yet still, “have the will to survive”. We have all experienced heart break in one form or the other. We have all experienced “love and loss and loss of love” but “Tall we ride”. Love requires a soldier, a solider gets bruised and cut and stabbed, but a solider never gives up! I could so easily relate to this song because I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve been disappointed by my father, by men and supposed “friends” and even family members but I never gave up hope. I never felt hopeless about love. Deep in my spirit I knew that love was and is the only reason we exist! Romantic love, platonic love, brotherly love, friendship love- all forms of love are necessary and all forms of love come from God. We might have been hurt, disappointed, let down and broken hearted but we have to be resilient in love. We must know that love requires the mind, a resilient spirit; a courageous heart and we must know that our ultimate purpose is to love and be loved because God is Love.

This song is a reminder to all of us to be resilient in love. Maybe you’ve had your heart broken or maybe you’ve fallen out of love with your partner; maybe you’ve “lost the use of your heart” but if you’re “still alive” give love another chance. Never give up on love. Love never fails. Be a soldier for love.




Love, Miss D.

"Ummmm, Can I Get...?"

Have you ever went to the Jack n’ the Box drive thru and said, “Ummmmm, can I get ummmm… (mind goes blank)? You know that you’re hungry but you don’t know exactly what you want to eat. You repeat yourself, “Ummmmm, can I get a number… (mind goes blank again). Finally you tell the person taking your order, “Just a minute please.” The person on the other end says, “Order when you’re ready.” We have all done this and this is fine when you’re ordering your lunch but many of us women treat dating like a fast food drive thru. Let me explain…

Many of us women know we want to date/marry a “good” man so we jump into the dating world- symbolic for the drive thru window. When we get up to the “dating” window we realize we don’t know what we want or need from a man. We realize we have no standard or clear criteria for what we are looking for in a man/marriage partner. Maybe we should tell the person taking our order, “Just a minute please” but instead we date man after man and keep saying, “No, he’s not the one.” “No I don’t like that.” Or “No, I don’t want that.” Meanwhile we don’t know what we want and time waits for no man. Maybe we should drive away from the drive-thru window and “order when we’re ready”. Maybe we should re-enter the dating game when we know what we need and what we want instead of wasting our time and other people’s time as well; and besides there are 3 people behind you ready to order. Hurry up!

We have to know what we what and not what we don’t want.
It is best to take a step back from the dating game and first know what you are looking for in a man. Know what you need. In order to know your needs you must first know yourself! If you are an intelligent women you probably need a man to stimulate your mind so if you go out with Joe Blow and he doesn’t have any conversation- he’s not the one (even if he’s fine)! If you’re a sensitive woman you probably need a man who thinks before he speaks and carefully considers your feelings. With that said you may not mesh well with a man who is completely blunt and “tells it like it is”- he’s not the one!

We must know ourselves so we can know what we need/desire in a man. Personally I’m an aggressive yet sensitive type of woman so I need a man who can stand up to me, yet hears me out as well. So with that said I cannot date a man who is neither overly aggressive, nor passive. We have to know our needs and be honest with ourselves. When we know our needs we know who we are and then we can accurately choose the type of man we need to be with. We must be honest with ourselves and aware of what we truly need mentally, emotionally and spiritually from a man.

Next time you’re hungry and you find yourself in the drive-thru have your order ready- know what kind of man you want. Know what you want and how much it’s going to cost. Don’t waste your time or his time saying, “Ummmmm” when asked, “What are you looking for?” Know what you need, know what you want before you return to the dating game. So the next time the universe asks you, “May I take your order?” Instead of saying, “Ummmm, can I get…” Say, “Yes, I will need a man who is intelligent with a great sense of humor so he can feed my mind, a man that is ambitious and family-orientated because I need to respect my man, a man that is moral and spiritual because I need him to feed my spirit. I need a man who is caring, thoughtful and kind with a cherry on top please!” Maybe we should pause for a minute and, “Order when we’re ready.”

Peace, Miss Deliverance

Fallin In Love... With Self

I remember the first time I fell in love. It was a beautiful summer day. The weather was perfect, not a cloud in the sky. I had always wanted to fall in love, but I was afraid. I was afraid of making a mistake, afraid of being so open and accepting. One day after years and years of self- doubt, fear and uncertainty I decided I would allow myself to love. Today I am happy to say that I am falling in love with myself!

I was watching one of Alexyss K. Tylor’s YouTube clips and she made a comment about how we women say we want a good man to love us but in actuality we don’t. She stated that many of us actually struggle with “self-hate” and “low self-esteem”. When she said these things they resonated in my heart and in my soul. Indeed this statement is true. We do struggle with loving ourselves collectively as women. Many of us pretend like we have the, “highest respect for ourselves” but either consciously or subconsciously we battle with self-doubt, insecurity, distrusting men and girlfriends (which is another form of insecurity because it takes trusting in yourself first to trust others) lack of self-belief, low self-esteem and/or arrogance (which is low self-esteem masked). We battle with negative thoughts about ourselves, our bodies and our overall value. These things I have mentioned I have found in myself and these unloving traits are the reasons why we women find ourselves in so many troubling/dissatisfying relationships with men and with our girlfriends. Our struggle with self-love is evident especially in dating. We subject ourselves to “booty calls”, “friends with benefits”, “one day he will come around and marry me” even though it’s been 7 years. Our lack of self-love is evident through statements like, “He said he was just really mad so that’s why he hit me.” The, “Girl, well yes he called me out of my name one time, but I shouldn’t have done what I did.” The cheating, the lies we let him get away with because, “I love him and he completes me” but if the shoe was on the other foot he would drop you so quick and do you really love yourself? The sex we give away to men with no strings attached no commitment, no love, no like in some cases. We don’t care if he’s married, single, got a girlfriend, 3 kids, 3 baby mommas, no character yet and still we give our bodies and our minds away to this wrong man time and time again. Why?

The things we do collectively as women are evident that we really don’t value ourselves or fully love ourselves or each other. I have been many of the examples I speak of and still struggle in realizing my own value. I have dated men who were not up to par mentally, emotionally or spiritually and I rationalized their actions and/or inactions because I did not value who I was. I rationalized a man’s actions or inactions because subconsciously I did not feel that I deserved to be treated with the highest respect because I lacked respect and value for my own self. Until we value ourselves, our minds and our bodies and know that we are the Image of God the same disrespectful man will show up time and time again. Until we deal with our own issues of low self-esteem, lack of self-love and lack of self-value nothing will change. Until we deal with our own internal world absolutely nothing will change about our external world in relation to men and dating. It’s been a long time coming, and it’s time we start valuing ourselves, loving ourselves and start celebrating who we are.

First, we have to go back to the Source from which we come and ask the Source who we truly are? I am speaking of God. Who does God say I am and where does my value as a woman and as a human being come from? The answer of course is God. The Bible says, “So God created man in His Image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them…” Because we are the image of God there is no room to doubt ourselves, disrespect ourselves, talk or think negatively about ourselves, our bodies, our minds or our emotions. Because we are the Image of God and God is Love we must reflect love for Self.

Second we women must learn to speak to ourselves. However you want to do this- talk aloud, talk internally, talk into a voice recorder, but speak to yourself daily! Look in the mirror everyday and say, “I am beautiful inside and out” Say, “I am Divine and I deserve the best” “I Love who I am and I love all of me.” Tell yourself, “I love my hair, I love my body, I love my nose, I love my hips, and I am in love with myself.” Treat yourself as if you were a man and you were in love with yourself. Hug yourself, pamper yourself; tell yourself loving/kind compliments several times a day. When you speak positive words to yourself, you are healing and loving yourself!

Lastly I suggest creating a list of 100 strengths/likes. Make a list of 100 strengths or things you like about yourself. Now at first you might find this a difficult task, but don’t give up. When you get to 100 strengths read them aloud to yourself at least once a week (and eventually add more than 100). This will allow you to know and stay aware of your value and what you posses. Let’s love ourselves. Let’s value and respect ourselves as women in dating and in relationships and as God’s creations. We are Divine and it is time. Time to fall in love with yourself.

With Love, Miss Deliverance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZJWvdgDvCQ- Youtube Clip- Alexyss Tylor (She is Crazy, but listen...give her at least 10 minutes- she speak the truth!)

PURE GOLD

Disclaimer- If you are a good black man this is not for you but it could be for your brother, your uncle, your nephew or your daddy… then again it might be for you… Read on

When I look at the black family today I wonder, “Why?” Why are nearly 70% of black children growing up in a single-parent household? (the majority of these households are female-headed) Why are so many brothers in jail? Why are so many black men willing to be baby fathers but not husbands? Why do so many black men leave and allow their children to be raised by a woman alone? I wonder, “Do black men know their value?” When I look at the state of black men overall the answer is overwhelmingly, “No”.

I come from a single-female headed household and my parents were married for a number of years but once they were divorced my mother raised 5 children by herself, but why? Did my father know his value? Did he know that his presence would have been more valuable than money, riches and gold? Did he know that he gives his children their self-esteem? Did he know that he was to lead his family? Did he know that he was the head of the family and when the head is missing from the body, the body dies? No he did not. Not only did my father not know his value, many black men just don’t know how valuable they are to their families, their children, their communities and to the world.

I think one of the main reasons why black men are unaware of their value is because society tells them that they are not valuable. Indeed the black man is the ideal sexual mate- tall, dark and handsome and he is the ideal athlete but besides the ideal sexual/athletic man society says black men are dispensable. You see black men dominating the most popular professional sports be it basketball or football and we all know the myths of the “well-endowed” brother. These two images get ingrained into the psyche of society and unfortunately these images get ingrained into the minds of young black boys. Once these images/ideals of black male hood become ingrained (consciously or unconsciously) into black boys many of them come to believe that they only have value as a black man if they are a professional ball player or having sex with as many women as is humanly possible. No one is instructing these young black boys that their value exist because they are to be men. Men take care and provide for their families. Men raise their daughters and sons so they don’t become lost adults. Men stay out of jail because their families are depending on them. Men are more than athletes and sex icons. Men are to provide and protect their families. Men build nations, but unfortunately in America too many black men fill prisons, stay on probation or parole. America sees no value in black men, but we see your value. Black men must know that their value is in manhood even if society does not.

Another reason why black men have lost their sense of value is because black fathers are not there and because they are absent they cannot teach their sons how valuable they are. This is evident by the black male on black male crime/murders you see prevailing in America. Many black men do not have value or respect for their own lives nor the lives of other black men. When a black boy grows up without his father he misses out on a million lessons and one of those lessons is the value and the role he must take as a man. Many black boys never learn that they are to lead the direction of their families. Many black men still believe their value rest in between their legs because their fathers were not there to teach them otherwise; but being male and being a man are two different things. For the men who grew up without their fathers make sure the cycle of absent fathers ends with you if and when you have your own children.
Listen black men, like Jill Scott said, “We need you, sometimes so hard to say.” Truly we need you to know that you are valuable, irreplaceable and necessary. We will raise our children on our own if we have to but we need you too. Black men you provide stability, security and self-esteem for your children. You provide love, security, support, companionship, motivation, direction, perspective, affection, comfort and strength to your girlfriends and wives. We need you and more importantly we need you to know your value so you can once again assume your rightful place at home and in the world. Brothers we need you to know that you are more valuable than “pure gold.”

With Love, Miss Deliverance

"Thirsty"

She’s 5’6”attractive, beautiful skin, curly hair, kind-hearted, funny, open-minded and intelligent. Imagine this woman slowly trying to make her way through the desert. The sun is hot and completely unbearable. She is extremely parched and her mouth is beginning to crack at the sides. This woman is dehydrated and exhausted but she keeps walking, searching, hoping to find some miraculous source of water to quench her thirst. She looks under the trees, under rocks, under the sand; she looks everywhere searching, believing she will find water. She is absolutely desperate to find water and she will do almost anything to quench her thirst. This woman walking in the desert is symbolic for a “thirsty” woman; a woman who searches and seeks a man, any man. Although this woman is attractive and has a lot of great characteristics about herself she will allow her emotional and mental bodies to suffer all in hopes that she can find a man. This woman is emotionally, mentally and spiritually dehydrated but she continues to search for a man like a thirsty woman searching for water in the Sahara desert; but why? What causes us women to become desperate over a man?
The fear of being alone is a fear that many women have and one of the main reasons why we women become desperate over a man. No woman wants to be successful, have great a career, a beautiful house, a luxury car and have no man to share her success and life with. The fear of being alone will cause us women to hold onto a man we should have let go 6 months or 6 years ago. The fear of being alone will have us out on dates with men we really don’t like just so we don’t have to be at home alone on a Saturday night. This fear will have us sleeping with someone else’s man because we don’t have one. This fear will have us being the “booty call” the “friend’s with benefits” even though we want more than that but we will settle for being his “play thing” because at least some man is holding us late at night. The fear of being alone makes us desperate and makes us compromise ourselves and our bodies all for the sake of having a man around- even if it’s temporary, even if he doesn’t belong to us or even if he doesn’t want/like us. The fear of being alone causes us women to stay when we should leave, causes us to call when he’s clearly, “not that into you”, causes us to always be available and ultimately it causes us to compromise who we are and act out of character. This fear ultimately causes us pain that could have been avoided.
When we are desperate for a man, his attention and his time we send that desperate energy off consciously or unconsciously. Men can tell the desperate woman (even when we try to put up a front) and he will pursue her and once he gets what he wants- sex, he will keep it at that- just sex. One of my male friends said that desperation to him signals a woman who has no standards. He said a desperate woman presents no challenge to him (and you know men love challenges- ego) and therefore he can behave or do as he pleases regardless of how she feels. Because the fear of being alone is one of the main causes of desperation we must let that fear go in order for us to be in balance with ourselves and with a man.
Another reason why so many of us women can become or are desperate is because we do not know or are unaware of our value. Many of us don’t know how beautiful we are- both inside and out, how intelligent we are, how talented we are, how much we give and how much we have to offer to the world and to a man. When we women de-value ourselves we think, “Man, he’s such a wonderful guy and I’m lucky to have him” but really he is the lucky guy and both of you guys are lucky to have each other. We have to learn to appreciate ourselves, be aware of our strengths and all of who we are because when we don’t we find ourselves with men who are not “up to par”, we find ourselves being the “booty call” when we are clearly wife material, we find ourselves staying when there are 10,000 red flags that “he ain’t the one”. We find ourselves making excuses for his inexcusable behavior. Now everything in balance because even good men will have their flaws just like we do, but a flaw that destroys the relationship and “deal breakers”- you’re just a “booty call”, constantly inconsistent, hasn’t introduced you to his parents, doesn’t believe in marriage, has “commitment issues”, lies, anger issues, hates his mama, alcoholic ect. - these things are going to destroy a relationship long term. When we are unaware of our value and what we posses as women we really end up just playing ourselves. Because I have been unaware of my own value as a woman at times I have been desperate over a man. I have thought “he’s such a great guy”- he’s intelligent, witty, positive, encouraging and fine but he wasn’t that into me because I was so desperate and I’m sure he could sense that about me. Because I was unaware of my value and all that I have to offer as a person and as a woman he could not see my value either. When we sell our self short and are unaware of our value we cannot expect a man to see in us what we fail to see in ourselves.
The third reason I believe many of us women become desperate is because we are looking for a a man to feel a void and save us from some emotional, mental or financial bind/situation. That is to say we women jump from man to man thinking, “Maybe he will make me happy” “Maybe he will take away the pain of being molested” “Maybe he will take care of me financially” or “Maybe he can provide me with some really good sex”. The reality is no man can feel a void in your heart or in your mind, only God can. A man may make you feel good or provide something for you temporarily but true joy and happiness comes from within. Happiness comes when we focus our attention on our internal world, ourselves, our talents, our dreams, our children, our God. We have to ask ourselves why do we become desperate for a man’s attention? What does his attention do for me? Why am I willing to be the “chick on the side” when I really don’t want that? Why am I afraid to be alone? And am I aware of value?
For the women who have the fear of being alone you must do away with this fear because it is not real. We can have a good man, a family, great friends and the life we desire if we choose, but we must be careful not to become desperate to get that man; he will come to you. We must replace that fear of being alone with the belief/faith that the man we need will come when we are ready. We must know who we are and what we have to offer. I suggest making a list of 100 strengths about yourself so that you can see your value and what you truly posses. We women must know that although we have our flaws we are beautiful- inside and out. When we are aware of our strengths and our intrinsic value we will no longer be seeking his attention, instead we will be conscious and confident of who we are. He will see your value because you know your value and he will seek and pursue you, not the reverse. Lastly, we must remember that a man is just that- a man, not God. Whatever internal void we feel we have to know that no man can heal that void. No man can create our own individual self-esteem. We must know our value is just as high with or without him. Our value exists because we are created in the Image of God and no man can take that away or add to that. We must be careful to not become thirsty for a man in any form because all it does is turn a man off, makes us de-value ourselves and causes us pain. We cannot think if we just give him everything, are always available, the “booty call” or the “friends with benefits” that he will magically see the light and fall in love. Let’s love ourselves, know our value, focus on ourselves, focus on God and be true to who we are because we are just too fine, too intelligent, funny, witty, talented, attractive, spiritual, ambitious, graceful, kind, sincere, bold, pretty, beautifully shaped, goal-orientated, honest, perceptive, sexy, giving, nurturing, and did I mention sexy, nice, inspiring, motivating, open-minded, strong, political, go-getters, focused, athletic, great mothers, uplifting, awesome teachers, awesome wives and girlfriends, patient…. (You finish the rest)….

Peace, Miss Deliverance.