Disclaimer- If you are a good black man this is not for you but it could be for your brother, your uncle, your nephew or your daddy… then again it might be for you… Read on
When I look at the black family today I wonder, “Why?” Why are nearly 70% of black children growing up in a single-parent household? (the majority of these households are female-headed) Why are so many brothers in jail? Why are so many black men willing to be baby fathers but not husbands? Why do so many black men leave and allow their children to be raised by a woman alone? I wonder, “Do black men know their value?” When I look at the state of black men overall the answer is overwhelmingly, “No”.
I come from a single-female headed household and my parents were married for a number of years but once they were divorced my mother raised 5 children by herself, but why? Did my father know his value? Did he know that his presence would have been more valuable than money, riches and gold? Did he know that he gives his children their self-esteem? Did he know that he was to lead his family? Did he know that he was the head of the family and when the head is missing from the body, the body dies? No he did not. Not only did my father not know his value, many black men just don’t know how valuable they are to their families, their children, their communities and to the world.
I think one of the main reasons why black men are unaware of their value is because society tells them that they are not valuable. Indeed the black man is the ideal sexual mate- tall, dark and handsome and he is the ideal athlete but besides the ideal sexual/athletic man society says black men are dispensable. You see black men dominating the most popular professional sports be it basketball or football and we all know the myths of the “well-endowed” brother. These two images get ingrained into the psyche of society and unfortunately these images get ingrained into the minds of young black boys. Once these images/ideals of black male hood become ingrained (consciously or unconsciously) into black boys many of them come to believe that they only have value as a black man if they are a professional ball player or having sex with as many women as is humanly possible. No one is instructing these young black boys that their value exist because they are to be men. Men take care and provide for their families. Men raise their daughters and sons so they don’t become lost adults. Men stay out of jail because their families are depending on them. Men are more than athletes and sex icons. Men are to provide and protect their families. Men build nations, but unfortunately in America too many black men fill prisons, stay on probation or parole. America sees no value in black men, but we see your value. Black men must know that their value is in manhood even if society does not.
Another reason why black men have lost their sense of value is because black fathers are not there and because they are absent they cannot teach their sons how valuable they are. This is evident by the black male on black male crime/murders you see prevailing in America. Many black men do not have value or respect for their own lives nor the lives of other black men. When a black boy grows up without his father he misses out on a million lessons and one of those lessons is the value and the role he must take as a man. Many black boys never learn that they are to lead the direction of their families. Many black men still believe their value rest in between their legs because their fathers were not there to teach them otherwise; but being male and being a man are two different things. For the men who grew up without their fathers make sure the cycle of absent fathers ends with you if and when you have your own children.
Listen black men, like Jill Scott said, “We need you, sometimes so hard to say.” Truly we need you to know that you are valuable, irreplaceable and necessary. We will raise our children on our own if we have to but we need you too. Black men you provide stability, security and self-esteem for your children. You provide love, security, support, companionship, motivation, direction, perspective, affection, comfort and strength to your girlfriends and wives. We need you and more importantly we need you to know your value so you can once again assume your rightful place at home and in the world. Brothers we need you to know that you are more valuable than “pure gold.”
With Love, Miss Deliverance
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
"Thirsty"
She’s 5’6”attractive, beautiful skin, curly hair, kind-hearted, funny, open-minded and intelligent. Imagine this woman slowly trying to make her way through the desert. The sun is hot and completely unbearable. She is extremely parched and her mouth is beginning to crack at the sides. This woman is dehydrated and exhausted but she keeps walking, searching, hoping to find some miraculous source of water to quench her thirst. She looks under the trees, under rocks, under the sand; she looks everywhere searching, believing she will find water. She is absolutely desperate to find water and she will do almost anything to quench her thirst. This woman walking in the desert is symbolic for a “thirsty” woman; a woman who searches and seeks a man, any man. Although this woman is attractive and has a lot of great characteristics about herself she will allow her emotional and mental bodies to suffer all in hopes that she can find a man. This woman is emotionally, mentally and spiritually dehydrated but she continues to search for a man like a thirsty woman searching for water in the Sahara desert; but why? What causes us women to become desperate over a man?
The fear of being alone is a fear that many women have and one of the main reasons why we women become desperate over a man. No woman wants to be successful, have great a career, a beautiful house, a luxury car and have no man to share her success and life with. The fear of being alone will cause us women to hold onto a man we should have let go 6 months or 6 years ago. The fear of being alone will have us out on dates with men we really don’t like just so we don’t have to be at home alone on a Saturday night. This fear will have us sleeping with someone else’s man because we don’t have one. This fear will have us being the “booty call” the “friend’s with benefits” even though we want more than that but we will settle for being his “play thing” because at least some man is holding us late at night. The fear of being alone makes us desperate and makes us compromise ourselves and our bodies all for the sake of having a man around- even if it’s temporary, even if he doesn’t belong to us or even if he doesn’t want/like us. The fear of being alone causes us women to stay when we should leave, causes us to call when he’s clearly, “not that into you”, causes us to always be available and ultimately it causes us to compromise who we are and act out of character. This fear ultimately causes us pain that could have been avoided.
When we are desperate for a man, his attention and his time we send that desperate energy off consciously or unconsciously. Men can tell the desperate woman (even when we try to put up a front) and he will pursue her and once he gets what he wants- sex, he will keep it at that- just sex. One of my male friends said that desperation to him signals a woman who has no standards. He said a desperate woman presents no challenge to him (and you know men love challenges- ego) and therefore he can behave or do as he pleases regardless of how she feels. Because the fear of being alone is one of the main causes of desperation we must let that fear go in order for us to be in balance with ourselves and with a man.
Another reason why so many of us women can become or are desperate is because we do not know or are unaware of our value. Many of us don’t know how beautiful we are- both inside and out, how intelligent we are, how talented we are, how much we give and how much we have to offer to the world and to a man. When we women de-value ourselves we think, “Man, he’s such a wonderful guy and I’m lucky to have him” but really he is the lucky guy and both of you guys are lucky to have each other. We have to learn to appreciate ourselves, be aware of our strengths and all of who we are because when we don’t we find ourselves with men who are not “up to par”, we find ourselves being the “booty call” when we are clearly wife material, we find ourselves staying when there are 10,000 red flags that “he ain’t the one”. We find ourselves making excuses for his inexcusable behavior. Now everything in balance because even good men will have their flaws just like we do, but a flaw that destroys the relationship and “deal breakers”- you’re just a “booty call”, constantly inconsistent, hasn’t introduced you to his parents, doesn’t believe in marriage, has “commitment issues”, lies, anger issues, hates his mama, alcoholic ect. - these things are going to destroy a relationship long term. When we are unaware of our value and what we posses as women we really end up just playing ourselves. Because I have been unaware of my own value as a woman at times I have been desperate over a man. I have thought “he’s such a great guy”- he’s intelligent, witty, positive, encouraging and fine but he wasn’t that into me because I was so desperate and I’m sure he could sense that about me. Because I was unaware of my value and all that I have to offer as a person and as a woman he could not see my value either. When we sell our self short and are unaware of our value we cannot expect a man to see in us what we fail to see in ourselves.
The third reason I believe many of us women become desperate is because we are looking for a a man to feel a void and save us from some emotional, mental or financial bind/situation. That is to say we women jump from man to man thinking, “Maybe he will make me happy” “Maybe he will take away the pain of being molested” “Maybe he will take care of me financially” or “Maybe he can provide me with some really good sex”. The reality is no man can feel a void in your heart or in your mind, only God can. A man may make you feel good or provide something for you temporarily but true joy and happiness comes from within. Happiness comes when we focus our attention on our internal world, ourselves, our talents, our dreams, our children, our God. We have to ask ourselves why do we become desperate for a man’s attention? What does his attention do for me? Why am I willing to be the “chick on the side” when I really don’t want that? Why am I afraid to be alone? And am I aware of value?
For the women who have the fear of being alone you must do away with this fear because it is not real. We can have a good man, a family, great friends and the life we desire if we choose, but we must be careful not to become desperate to get that man; he will come to you. We must replace that fear of being alone with the belief/faith that the man we need will come when we are ready. We must know who we are and what we have to offer. I suggest making a list of 100 strengths about yourself so that you can see your value and what you truly posses. We women must know that although we have our flaws we are beautiful- inside and out. When we are aware of our strengths and our intrinsic value we will no longer be seeking his attention, instead we will be conscious and confident of who we are. He will see your value because you know your value and he will seek and pursue you, not the reverse. Lastly, we must remember that a man is just that- a man, not God. Whatever internal void we feel we have to know that no man can heal that void. No man can create our own individual self-esteem. We must know our value is just as high with or without him. Our value exists because we are created in the Image of God and no man can take that away or add to that. We must be careful to not become thirsty for a man in any form because all it does is turn a man off, makes us de-value ourselves and causes us pain. We cannot think if we just give him everything, are always available, the “booty call” or the “friends with benefits” that he will magically see the light and fall in love. Let’s love ourselves, know our value, focus on ourselves, focus on God and be true to who we are because we are just too fine, too intelligent, funny, witty, talented, attractive, spiritual, ambitious, graceful, kind, sincere, bold, pretty, beautifully shaped, goal-orientated, honest, perceptive, sexy, giving, nurturing, and did I mention sexy, nice, inspiring, motivating, open-minded, strong, political, go-getters, focused, athletic, great mothers, uplifting, awesome teachers, awesome wives and girlfriends, patient…. (You finish the rest)….
Peace, Miss Deliverance.
The fear of being alone is a fear that many women have and one of the main reasons why we women become desperate over a man. No woman wants to be successful, have great a career, a beautiful house, a luxury car and have no man to share her success and life with. The fear of being alone will cause us women to hold onto a man we should have let go 6 months or 6 years ago. The fear of being alone will have us out on dates with men we really don’t like just so we don’t have to be at home alone on a Saturday night. This fear will have us sleeping with someone else’s man because we don’t have one. This fear will have us being the “booty call” the “friend’s with benefits” even though we want more than that but we will settle for being his “play thing” because at least some man is holding us late at night. The fear of being alone makes us desperate and makes us compromise ourselves and our bodies all for the sake of having a man around- even if it’s temporary, even if he doesn’t belong to us or even if he doesn’t want/like us. The fear of being alone causes us women to stay when we should leave, causes us to call when he’s clearly, “not that into you”, causes us to always be available and ultimately it causes us to compromise who we are and act out of character. This fear ultimately causes us pain that could have been avoided.
When we are desperate for a man, his attention and his time we send that desperate energy off consciously or unconsciously. Men can tell the desperate woman (even when we try to put up a front) and he will pursue her and once he gets what he wants- sex, he will keep it at that- just sex. One of my male friends said that desperation to him signals a woman who has no standards. He said a desperate woman presents no challenge to him (and you know men love challenges- ego) and therefore he can behave or do as he pleases regardless of how she feels. Because the fear of being alone is one of the main causes of desperation we must let that fear go in order for us to be in balance with ourselves and with a man.
Another reason why so many of us women can become or are desperate is because we do not know or are unaware of our value. Many of us don’t know how beautiful we are- both inside and out, how intelligent we are, how talented we are, how much we give and how much we have to offer to the world and to a man. When we women de-value ourselves we think, “Man, he’s such a wonderful guy and I’m lucky to have him” but really he is the lucky guy and both of you guys are lucky to have each other. We have to learn to appreciate ourselves, be aware of our strengths and all of who we are because when we don’t we find ourselves with men who are not “up to par”, we find ourselves being the “booty call” when we are clearly wife material, we find ourselves staying when there are 10,000 red flags that “he ain’t the one”. We find ourselves making excuses for his inexcusable behavior. Now everything in balance because even good men will have their flaws just like we do, but a flaw that destroys the relationship and “deal breakers”- you’re just a “booty call”, constantly inconsistent, hasn’t introduced you to his parents, doesn’t believe in marriage, has “commitment issues”, lies, anger issues, hates his mama, alcoholic ect. - these things are going to destroy a relationship long term. When we are unaware of our value and what we posses as women we really end up just playing ourselves. Because I have been unaware of my own value as a woman at times I have been desperate over a man. I have thought “he’s such a great guy”- he’s intelligent, witty, positive, encouraging and fine but he wasn’t that into me because I was so desperate and I’m sure he could sense that about me. Because I was unaware of my value and all that I have to offer as a person and as a woman he could not see my value either. When we sell our self short and are unaware of our value we cannot expect a man to see in us what we fail to see in ourselves.
The third reason I believe many of us women become desperate is because we are looking for a a man to feel a void and save us from some emotional, mental or financial bind/situation. That is to say we women jump from man to man thinking, “Maybe he will make me happy” “Maybe he will take away the pain of being molested” “Maybe he will take care of me financially” or “Maybe he can provide me with some really good sex”. The reality is no man can feel a void in your heart or in your mind, only God can. A man may make you feel good or provide something for you temporarily but true joy and happiness comes from within. Happiness comes when we focus our attention on our internal world, ourselves, our talents, our dreams, our children, our God. We have to ask ourselves why do we become desperate for a man’s attention? What does his attention do for me? Why am I willing to be the “chick on the side” when I really don’t want that? Why am I afraid to be alone? And am I aware of value?
For the women who have the fear of being alone you must do away with this fear because it is not real. We can have a good man, a family, great friends and the life we desire if we choose, but we must be careful not to become desperate to get that man; he will come to you. We must replace that fear of being alone with the belief/faith that the man we need will come when we are ready. We must know who we are and what we have to offer. I suggest making a list of 100 strengths about yourself so that you can see your value and what you truly posses. We women must know that although we have our flaws we are beautiful- inside and out. When we are aware of our strengths and our intrinsic value we will no longer be seeking his attention, instead we will be conscious and confident of who we are. He will see your value because you know your value and he will seek and pursue you, not the reverse. Lastly, we must remember that a man is just that- a man, not God. Whatever internal void we feel we have to know that no man can heal that void. No man can create our own individual self-esteem. We must know our value is just as high with or without him. Our value exists because we are created in the Image of God and no man can take that away or add to that. We must be careful to not become thirsty for a man in any form because all it does is turn a man off, makes us de-value ourselves and causes us pain. We cannot think if we just give him everything, are always available, the “booty call” or the “friends with benefits” that he will magically see the light and fall in love. Let’s love ourselves, know our value, focus on ourselves, focus on God and be true to who we are because we are just too fine, too intelligent, funny, witty, talented, attractive, spiritual, ambitious, graceful, kind, sincere, bold, pretty, beautifully shaped, goal-orientated, honest, perceptive, sexy, giving, nurturing, and did I mention sexy, nice, inspiring, motivating, open-minded, strong, political, go-getters, focused, athletic, great mothers, uplifting, awesome teachers, awesome wives and girlfriends, patient…. (You finish the rest)….
Peace, Miss Deliverance.
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