"DADDY ROOTS"

Disclaimer: If you are one of the many women who have been blessed to have a loving, caring, emotionally healthy father, sorry this is not for you. I am happy that your father was present and whole, but this is for all the women who still suffer or suffered from dysfunctional “Daddy roots”- absent, emotionally absent, passive or abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally) fathers.
Yesterday I decided to call my ex-boyfriend for a specific reason. We were catching up for a little bit, talking about different topics, future goals and other "conscious theories" and then I decided to do what I must do. I apologized. I apologized for being stubborn, not willing to compromise, or listen to him. I apologized for being rude, not always treating him with respect and having a bad attitude at times. He told me," It's was coo and we were young, and that I didn't have to apologize." We talked a little bit longer and than we got off the phone. I felt like a recovering alcoholic- I had completed step 9- I had made amends for my past errors and mistakes. The reason why I was so stubborn and unwilling to compromise had a lot to do with my beliefs about men, based off my father. Maybe you can relate, Read on...

Every living thing has a foundation; every living thing has roots. We are here because a man and a woman created us through sex. A tree can only grow and bear apples, oranges or lemons because it has roots. Every living thing must have a foundation in order to become fully into being. We women must go back to our roots to truly understand our relationships with men. Since the first relationship with a man is our father, we must go back to that relationship in order to fully understand how and why we relate to me in the ways we do.
Unfortunately many women have no “Daddy roots” at all. That is to say many of us women have had absent fathers. Many fathers were either absent physically from the home or emotionally (or both in many cases). Emotionally absent fathers are fathers who are in the home but they’re not “present”. A father who is emotionally absent does not display his feelings, show affection, show tenderness or shows that he cares (although he might). Women who grow up with an emotionally absent father might find themselves in a relationship with a man who does not show them love, care or reveal any real feelings- just like their daddy. Or these women might be with a man who is over-emotional and being with this type of man is like being on an emotional roller coaster. Women who experience emotionally absent fathers are really at a lost when it comes to relating to men.

Not only are the daughters of emotionally absent fathers at a lost but so are the women who grown up without fathers physically in the home. Many of us women who grow up without “Daddy” are ignorant about how men should treat us or speak to us. Growing up with daddy in the home allows a little girl to practice and experience relating to a man. When your father is absent you completely miss out on that male/ female interaction. Women who experience the absence of their father might develop a belief system that all men will leave them eventually (as their father’s left their mother’s). This belief system can be damaging when a woman enters into an intimate relationship with a man. A woman who holds the belief system that, “he’s only around temporarily” might not give her all in a relationship and/or might not compromise. That is to say she might hold back on revealing herself or she might not give her emotions and heart away to a man out of the fear that “he’s going to leave me eventually.” The woman with this belief system might also cheat on her man because she with holds her feelings and emotions from him. If a woman holds this type of belief system in relation to men she might also think, “I will leave him before he leaves me.” This type of thought system can be dangerous because she could develop a tendency to run from a relationship when it gets rocky. A woman with an absent father might also develop the belief system that, "I don't need a man, I can do it by myself (like their mothers)" In reality we DO need men and men need women. We have to let go of our pride and realize we do need men and because we need men, this does not make us weak! I speak of all these things because I have held all of these belief systems in relation to men, because my father was absent. Because my father was absent I developed a belief that, “he’s only here temporarily- how long until he leaves me?” This belief caused me to leave a relationship if I felt the slightest possibility of break up. In my mind I was going to break up with you before you could leave me. Because my father was absent I also developed a belief system that told me to hold back, to not reveal all of myself to him, to not invest too much into this relationship because it’s only temporary. Now, really, how could I build a real relationship or even a marriage with such a belief system?
Women who have no roots (absent fathers) must observe and learn from the mistakes of their mothers, sisters, aunties and friends and choose to relate to men in a different way. All is not loss for the woman with no roots because God exist! We women can ask God to teach us how to relate to men, how to be sensitive to his ego, how to show him respect and how to give and receive in balance. We can also ask God to show us how a man should speak to us, how he should treat us, and what characteristics really matter- integrity, honesty, intelligence and a sincere love for who we are. God can and will answers prayers. If we sincerely want to be better and our willing to change God can and will reveal how we should be treated by a man and vies versa. We women of absent fathers must remember that our fathers were never really absent because God, our Father has always been present in our lives.

There are many women who have grown up without their fathers, but there are many women who grew up with their fathers. These women may have their own separate issues with men. Women who grew up with their fathers must ask themselves, “How do I feel about my father?” “What did my father teach me about men?” Some women have had a father in the home, but he never gave of himself. Maybe your father bought you “stuff” but never showed you any real love or care. Subconsciously or consciously you may have come to believe a man that loves you buys you “stuff” but never gives of himself. Or maybe you had a father who you considered “weak or passive” because your mother played the head role in the home. Now you might find yourself with a man who lets you “run the show” but you don’t respect him. Or maybe you had a passive father and now you can’t stand a passive man, so now you date men who are overly aggressive. Maybe you are the woman who grew up with a physically or emotionally abusive father. You might have learned consciously or subconsciously that a man shows you love by beating you, calling you out your name or degrading you verbally. You might have no idea what love is, so you gravitate to abusive, insecure, controlling men because that’s familiar to you. No matter the “type” of father you had we could all use healing from inadequate “daddy roots”.

I believe the first step for all women who suffered from the lack of daddy roots or dysfunctional daddy roots is forgiveness. Whether your father was absent, passive or abusive we must forgive our fathers. Forgiveness is the only way to wholeness and healing. If we struggle in this area we have to pray to God until we truly let go and forgive our fathers. After we forgive we must examine our internal thought belief systems about men. These thoughts may be the ones we never say aloud but they exist deep in our subconscious and deep in your heart. If we have negative belief systems about men based off our fathers- we must LET THEM GO! We must also let go of our pride and stop pretending like we women "don't need a man." We must also realize we don’t know every man in the world, and every man is not like our father. Once we have forgiven our fathers and released our negative belief systems about men we have to replace them with positive ones. This will not be easy and it will take time, but it is worthwhile. Let’s be open to changing ourselves, our beliefs, let go of our pride and allow our hearts to be open to that good man we’ve always wanted. When you go back to your daddy roots and examine those deep beliefs systems about men you can begin to heal at the foundation and re-grow new roots. Examine your thoughts and your feelings about your own father and men in general and be willing to change. Be true to yourself.

Peace, Miss Deliverance