Have you ever went to the Jack n’ the Box drive thru and said, “Ummmmm, can I get ummmm… (mind goes blank)? You know that you’re hungry but you don’t know exactly what you want to eat. You repeat yourself, “Ummmmm, can I get a number… (mind goes blank again). Finally you tell the person taking your order, “Just a minute please.” The person on the other end says, “Order when you’re ready.” We have all done this and this is fine when you’re ordering your lunch but many of us women treat dating like a fast food drive thru. Let me explain…
Many of us women know we want to date/marry a “good” man so we jump into the dating world- symbolic for the drive thru window. When we get up to the “dating” window we realize we don’t know what we want or need from a man. We realize we have no standard or clear criteria for what we are looking for in a man/marriage partner. Maybe we should tell the person taking our order, “Just a minute please” but instead we date man after man and keep saying, “No, he’s not the one.” “No I don’t like that.” Or “No, I don’t want that.” Meanwhile we don’t know what we want and time waits for no man. Maybe we should drive away from the drive-thru window and “order when we’re ready”. Maybe we should re-enter the dating game when we know what we need and what we want instead of wasting our time and other people’s time as well; and besides there are 3 people behind you ready to order. Hurry up!
We have to know what we what and not what we don’t want.
It is best to take a step back from the dating game and first know what you are looking for in a man. Know what you need. In order to know your needs you must first know yourself! If you are an intelligent women you probably need a man to stimulate your mind so if you go out with Joe Blow and he doesn’t have any conversation- he’s not the one (even if he’s fine)! If you’re a sensitive woman you probably need a man who thinks before he speaks and carefully considers your feelings. With that said you may not mesh well with a man who is completely blunt and “tells it like it is”- he’s not the one!
We must know ourselves so we can know what we need/desire in a man. Personally I’m an aggressive yet sensitive type of woman so I need a man who can stand up to me, yet hears me out as well. So with that said I cannot date a man who is neither overly aggressive, nor passive. We have to know our needs and be honest with ourselves. When we know our needs we know who we are and then we can accurately choose the type of man we need to be with. We must be honest with ourselves and aware of what we truly need mentally, emotionally and spiritually from a man.
Next time you’re hungry and you find yourself in the drive-thru have your order ready- know what kind of man you want. Know what you want and how much it’s going to cost. Don’t waste your time or his time saying, “Ummmmm” when asked, “What are you looking for?” Know what you need, know what you want before you return to the dating game. So the next time the universe asks you, “May I take your order?” Instead of saying, “Ummmm, can I get…” Say, “Yes, I will need a man who is intelligent with a great sense of humor so he can feed my mind, a man that is ambitious and family-orientated because I need to respect my man, a man that is moral and spiritual because I need him to feed my spirit. I need a man who is caring, thoughtful and kind with a cherry on top please!” Maybe we should pause for a minute and, “Order when we’re ready.”
Peace, Miss Deliverance
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Fallin In Love... With Self
I remember the first time I fell in love. It was a beautiful summer day. The weather was perfect, not a cloud in the sky. I had always wanted to fall in love, but I was afraid. I was afraid of making a mistake, afraid of being so open and accepting. One day after years and years of self- doubt, fear and uncertainty I decided I would allow myself to love. Today I am happy to say that I am falling in love with myself!
I was watching one of Alexyss K. Tylor’s YouTube clips and she made a comment about how we women say we want a good man to love us but in actuality we don’t. She stated that many of us actually struggle with “self-hate” and “low self-esteem”. When she said these things they resonated in my heart and in my soul. Indeed this statement is true. We do struggle with loving ourselves collectively as women. Many of us pretend like we have the, “highest respect for ourselves” but either consciously or subconsciously we battle with self-doubt, insecurity, distrusting men and girlfriends (which is another form of insecurity because it takes trusting in yourself first to trust others) lack of self-belief, low self-esteem and/or arrogance (which is low self-esteem masked). We battle with negative thoughts about ourselves, our bodies and our overall value. These things I have mentioned I have found in myself and these unloving traits are the reasons why we women find ourselves in so many troubling/dissatisfying relationships with men and with our girlfriends. Our struggle with self-love is evident especially in dating. We subject ourselves to “booty calls”, “friends with benefits”, “one day he will come around and marry me” even though it’s been 7 years. Our lack of self-love is evident through statements like, “He said he was just really mad so that’s why he hit me.” The, “Girl, well yes he called me out of my name one time, but I shouldn’t have done what I did.” The cheating, the lies we let him get away with because, “I love him and he completes me” but if the shoe was on the other foot he would drop you so quick and do you really love yourself? The sex we give away to men with no strings attached no commitment, no love, no like in some cases. We don’t care if he’s married, single, got a girlfriend, 3 kids, 3 baby mommas, no character yet and still we give our bodies and our minds away to this wrong man time and time again. Why?
The things we do collectively as women are evident that we really don’t value ourselves or fully love ourselves or each other. I have been many of the examples I speak of and still struggle in realizing my own value. I have dated men who were not up to par mentally, emotionally or spiritually and I rationalized their actions and/or inactions because I did not value who I was. I rationalized a man’s actions or inactions because subconsciously I did not feel that I deserved to be treated with the highest respect because I lacked respect and value for my own self. Until we value ourselves, our minds and our bodies and know that we are the Image of God the same disrespectful man will show up time and time again. Until we deal with our own issues of low self-esteem, lack of self-love and lack of self-value nothing will change. Until we deal with our own internal world absolutely nothing will change about our external world in relation to men and dating. It’s been a long time coming, and it’s time we start valuing ourselves, loving ourselves and start celebrating who we are.
First, we have to go back to the Source from which we come and ask the Source who we truly are? I am speaking of God. Who does God say I am and where does my value as a woman and as a human being come from? The answer of course is God. The Bible says, “So God created man in His Image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them…” Because we are the image of God there is no room to doubt ourselves, disrespect ourselves, talk or think negatively about ourselves, our bodies, our minds or our emotions. Because we are the Image of God and God is Love we must reflect love for Self.
Second we women must learn to speak to ourselves. However you want to do this- talk aloud, talk internally, talk into a voice recorder, but speak to yourself daily! Look in the mirror everyday and say, “I am beautiful inside and out” Say, “I am Divine and I deserve the best” “I Love who I am and I love all of me.” Tell yourself, “I love my hair, I love my body, I love my nose, I love my hips, and I am in love with myself.” Treat yourself as if you were a man and you were in love with yourself. Hug yourself, pamper yourself; tell yourself loving/kind compliments several times a day. When you speak positive words to yourself, you are healing and loving yourself!
Lastly I suggest creating a list of 100 strengths/likes. Make a list of 100 strengths or things you like about yourself. Now at first you might find this a difficult task, but don’t give up. When you get to 100 strengths read them aloud to yourself at least once a week (and eventually add more than 100). This will allow you to know and stay aware of your value and what you posses. Let’s love ourselves. Let’s value and respect ourselves as women in dating and in relationships and as God’s creations. We are Divine and it is time. Time to fall in love with yourself.
With Love, Miss Deliverance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZJWvdgDvCQ- Youtube Clip- Alexyss Tylor (She is Crazy, but listen...give her at least 10 minutes- she speak the truth!)
I was watching one of Alexyss K. Tylor’s YouTube clips and she made a comment about how we women say we want a good man to love us but in actuality we don’t. She stated that many of us actually struggle with “self-hate” and “low self-esteem”. When she said these things they resonated in my heart and in my soul. Indeed this statement is true. We do struggle with loving ourselves collectively as women. Many of us pretend like we have the, “highest respect for ourselves” but either consciously or subconsciously we battle with self-doubt, insecurity, distrusting men and girlfriends (which is another form of insecurity because it takes trusting in yourself first to trust others) lack of self-belief, low self-esteem and/or arrogance (which is low self-esteem masked). We battle with negative thoughts about ourselves, our bodies and our overall value. These things I have mentioned I have found in myself and these unloving traits are the reasons why we women find ourselves in so many troubling/dissatisfying relationships with men and with our girlfriends. Our struggle with self-love is evident especially in dating. We subject ourselves to “booty calls”, “friends with benefits”, “one day he will come around and marry me” even though it’s been 7 years. Our lack of self-love is evident through statements like, “He said he was just really mad so that’s why he hit me.” The, “Girl, well yes he called me out of my name one time, but I shouldn’t have done what I did.” The cheating, the lies we let him get away with because, “I love him and he completes me” but if the shoe was on the other foot he would drop you so quick and do you really love yourself? The sex we give away to men with no strings attached no commitment, no love, no like in some cases. We don’t care if he’s married, single, got a girlfriend, 3 kids, 3 baby mommas, no character yet and still we give our bodies and our minds away to this wrong man time and time again. Why?
The things we do collectively as women are evident that we really don’t value ourselves or fully love ourselves or each other. I have been many of the examples I speak of and still struggle in realizing my own value. I have dated men who were not up to par mentally, emotionally or spiritually and I rationalized their actions and/or inactions because I did not value who I was. I rationalized a man’s actions or inactions because subconsciously I did not feel that I deserved to be treated with the highest respect because I lacked respect and value for my own self. Until we value ourselves, our minds and our bodies and know that we are the Image of God the same disrespectful man will show up time and time again. Until we deal with our own issues of low self-esteem, lack of self-love and lack of self-value nothing will change. Until we deal with our own internal world absolutely nothing will change about our external world in relation to men and dating. It’s been a long time coming, and it’s time we start valuing ourselves, loving ourselves and start celebrating who we are.
First, we have to go back to the Source from which we come and ask the Source who we truly are? I am speaking of God. Who does God say I am and where does my value as a woman and as a human being come from? The answer of course is God. The Bible says, “So God created man in His Image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them…” Because we are the image of God there is no room to doubt ourselves, disrespect ourselves, talk or think negatively about ourselves, our bodies, our minds or our emotions. Because we are the Image of God and God is Love we must reflect love for Self.
Second we women must learn to speak to ourselves. However you want to do this- talk aloud, talk internally, talk into a voice recorder, but speak to yourself daily! Look in the mirror everyday and say, “I am beautiful inside and out” Say, “I am Divine and I deserve the best” “I Love who I am and I love all of me.” Tell yourself, “I love my hair, I love my body, I love my nose, I love my hips, and I am in love with myself.” Treat yourself as if you were a man and you were in love with yourself. Hug yourself, pamper yourself; tell yourself loving/kind compliments several times a day. When you speak positive words to yourself, you are healing and loving yourself!
Lastly I suggest creating a list of 100 strengths/likes. Make a list of 100 strengths or things you like about yourself. Now at first you might find this a difficult task, but don’t give up. When you get to 100 strengths read them aloud to yourself at least once a week (and eventually add more than 100). This will allow you to know and stay aware of your value and what you posses. Let’s love ourselves. Let’s value and respect ourselves as women in dating and in relationships and as God’s creations. We are Divine and it is time. Time to fall in love with yourself.
With Love, Miss Deliverance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZJWvdgDvCQ- Youtube Clip- Alexyss Tylor (She is Crazy, but listen...give her at least 10 minutes- she speak the truth!)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
PURE GOLD
Disclaimer- If you are a good black man this is not for you but it could be for your brother, your uncle, your nephew or your daddy… then again it might be for you… Read on
When I look at the black family today I wonder, “Why?” Why are nearly 70% of black children growing up in a single-parent household? (the majority of these households are female-headed) Why are so many brothers in jail? Why are so many black men willing to be baby fathers but not husbands? Why do so many black men leave and allow their children to be raised by a woman alone? I wonder, “Do black men know their value?” When I look at the state of black men overall the answer is overwhelmingly, “No”.
I come from a single-female headed household and my parents were married for a number of years but once they were divorced my mother raised 5 children by herself, but why? Did my father know his value? Did he know that his presence would have been more valuable than money, riches and gold? Did he know that he gives his children their self-esteem? Did he know that he was to lead his family? Did he know that he was the head of the family and when the head is missing from the body, the body dies? No he did not. Not only did my father not know his value, many black men just don’t know how valuable they are to their families, their children, their communities and to the world.
I think one of the main reasons why black men are unaware of their value is because society tells them that they are not valuable. Indeed the black man is the ideal sexual mate- tall, dark and handsome and he is the ideal athlete but besides the ideal sexual/athletic man society says black men are dispensable. You see black men dominating the most popular professional sports be it basketball or football and we all know the myths of the “well-endowed” brother. These two images get ingrained into the psyche of society and unfortunately these images get ingrained into the minds of young black boys. Once these images/ideals of black male hood become ingrained (consciously or unconsciously) into black boys many of them come to believe that they only have value as a black man if they are a professional ball player or having sex with as many women as is humanly possible. No one is instructing these young black boys that their value exist because they are to be men. Men take care and provide for their families. Men raise their daughters and sons so they don’t become lost adults. Men stay out of jail because their families are depending on them. Men are more than athletes and sex icons. Men are to provide and protect their families. Men build nations, but unfortunately in America too many black men fill prisons, stay on probation or parole. America sees no value in black men, but we see your value. Black men must know that their value is in manhood even if society does not.
Another reason why black men have lost their sense of value is because black fathers are not there and because they are absent they cannot teach their sons how valuable they are. This is evident by the black male on black male crime/murders you see prevailing in America. Many black men do not have value or respect for their own lives nor the lives of other black men. When a black boy grows up without his father he misses out on a million lessons and one of those lessons is the value and the role he must take as a man. Many black boys never learn that they are to lead the direction of their families. Many black men still believe their value rest in between their legs because their fathers were not there to teach them otherwise; but being male and being a man are two different things. For the men who grew up without their fathers make sure the cycle of absent fathers ends with you if and when you have your own children.
Listen black men, like Jill Scott said, “We need you, sometimes so hard to say.” Truly we need you to know that you are valuable, irreplaceable and necessary. We will raise our children on our own if we have to but we need you too. Black men you provide stability, security and self-esteem for your children. You provide love, security, support, companionship, motivation, direction, perspective, affection, comfort and strength to your girlfriends and wives. We need you and more importantly we need you to know your value so you can once again assume your rightful place at home and in the world. Brothers we need you to know that you are more valuable than “pure gold.”
With Love, Miss Deliverance
When I look at the black family today I wonder, “Why?” Why are nearly 70% of black children growing up in a single-parent household? (the majority of these households are female-headed) Why are so many brothers in jail? Why are so many black men willing to be baby fathers but not husbands? Why do so many black men leave and allow their children to be raised by a woman alone? I wonder, “Do black men know their value?” When I look at the state of black men overall the answer is overwhelmingly, “No”.
I come from a single-female headed household and my parents were married for a number of years but once they were divorced my mother raised 5 children by herself, but why? Did my father know his value? Did he know that his presence would have been more valuable than money, riches and gold? Did he know that he gives his children their self-esteem? Did he know that he was to lead his family? Did he know that he was the head of the family and when the head is missing from the body, the body dies? No he did not. Not only did my father not know his value, many black men just don’t know how valuable they are to their families, their children, their communities and to the world.
I think one of the main reasons why black men are unaware of their value is because society tells them that they are not valuable. Indeed the black man is the ideal sexual mate- tall, dark and handsome and he is the ideal athlete but besides the ideal sexual/athletic man society says black men are dispensable. You see black men dominating the most popular professional sports be it basketball or football and we all know the myths of the “well-endowed” brother. These two images get ingrained into the psyche of society and unfortunately these images get ingrained into the minds of young black boys. Once these images/ideals of black male hood become ingrained (consciously or unconsciously) into black boys many of them come to believe that they only have value as a black man if they are a professional ball player or having sex with as many women as is humanly possible. No one is instructing these young black boys that their value exist because they are to be men. Men take care and provide for their families. Men raise their daughters and sons so they don’t become lost adults. Men stay out of jail because their families are depending on them. Men are more than athletes and sex icons. Men are to provide and protect their families. Men build nations, but unfortunately in America too many black men fill prisons, stay on probation or parole. America sees no value in black men, but we see your value. Black men must know that their value is in manhood even if society does not.
Another reason why black men have lost their sense of value is because black fathers are not there and because they are absent they cannot teach their sons how valuable they are. This is evident by the black male on black male crime/murders you see prevailing in America. Many black men do not have value or respect for their own lives nor the lives of other black men. When a black boy grows up without his father he misses out on a million lessons and one of those lessons is the value and the role he must take as a man. Many black boys never learn that they are to lead the direction of their families. Many black men still believe their value rest in between their legs because their fathers were not there to teach them otherwise; but being male and being a man are two different things. For the men who grew up without their fathers make sure the cycle of absent fathers ends with you if and when you have your own children.
Listen black men, like Jill Scott said, “We need you, sometimes so hard to say.” Truly we need you to know that you are valuable, irreplaceable and necessary. We will raise our children on our own if we have to but we need you too. Black men you provide stability, security and self-esteem for your children. You provide love, security, support, companionship, motivation, direction, perspective, affection, comfort and strength to your girlfriends and wives. We need you and more importantly we need you to know your value so you can once again assume your rightful place at home and in the world. Brothers we need you to know that you are more valuable than “pure gold.”
With Love, Miss Deliverance
Friday, January 8, 2010
"Thirsty"
She’s 5’6”attractive, beautiful skin, curly hair, kind-hearted, funny, open-minded and intelligent. Imagine this woman slowly trying to make her way through the desert. The sun is hot and completely unbearable. She is extremely parched and her mouth is beginning to crack at the sides. This woman is dehydrated and exhausted but she keeps walking, searching, hoping to find some miraculous source of water to quench her thirst. She looks under the trees, under rocks, under the sand; she looks everywhere searching, believing she will find water. She is absolutely desperate to find water and she will do almost anything to quench her thirst. This woman walking in the desert is symbolic for a “thirsty” woman; a woman who searches and seeks a man, any man. Although this woman is attractive and has a lot of great characteristics about herself she will allow her emotional and mental bodies to suffer all in hopes that she can find a man. This woman is emotionally, mentally and spiritually dehydrated but she continues to search for a man like a thirsty woman searching for water in the Sahara desert; but why? What causes us women to become desperate over a man?
The fear of being alone is a fear that many women have and one of the main reasons why we women become desperate over a man. No woman wants to be successful, have great a career, a beautiful house, a luxury car and have no man to share her success and life with. The fear of being alone will cause us women to hold onto a man we should have let go 6 months or 6 years ago. The fear of being alone will have us out on dates with men we really don’t like just so we don’t have to be at home alone on a Saturday night. This fear will have us sleeping with someone else’s man because we don’t have one. This fear will have us being the “booty call” the “friend’s with benefits” even though we want more than that but we will settle for being his “play thing” because at least some man is holding us late at night. The fear of being alone makes us desperate and makes us compromise ourselves and our bodies all for the sake of having a man around- even if it’s temporary, even if he doesn’t belong to us or even if he doesn’t want/like us. The fear of being alone causes us women to stay when we should leave, causes us to call when he’s clearly, “not that into you”, causes us to always be available and ultimately it causes us to compromise who we are and act out of character. This fear ultimately causes us pain that could have been avoided.
When we are desperate for a man, his attention and his time we send that desperate energy off consciously or unconsciously. Men can tell the desperate woman (even when we try to put up a front) and he will pursue her and once he gets what he wants- sex, he will keep it at that- just sex. One of my male friends said that desperation to him signals a woman who has no standards. He said a desperate woman presents no challenge to him (and you know men love challenges- ego) and therefore he can behave or do as he pleases regardless of how she feels. Because the fear of being alone is one of the main causes of desperation we must let that fear go in order for us to be in balance with ourselves and with a man.
Another reason why so many of us women can become or are desperate is because we do not know or are unaware of our value. Many of us don’t know how beautiful we are- both inside and out, how intelligent we are, how talented we are, how much we give and how much we have to offer to the world and to a man. When we women de-value ourselves we think, “Man, he’s such a wonderful guy and I’m lucky to have him” but really he is the lucky guy and both of you guys are lucky to have each other. We have to learn to appreciate ourselves, be aware of our strengths and all of who we are because when we don’t we find ourselves with men who are not “up to par”, we find ourselves being the “booty call” when we are clearly wife material, we find ourselves staying when there are 10,000 red flags that “he ain’t the one”. We find ourselves making excuses for his inexcusable behavior. Now everything in balance because even good men will have their flaws just like we do, but a flaw that destroys the relationship and “deal breakers”- you’re just a “booty call”, constantly inconsistent, hasn’t introduced you to his parents, doesn’t believe in marriage, has “commitment issues”, lies, anger issues, hates his mama, alcoholic ect. - these things are going to destroy a relationship long term. When we are unaware of our value and what we posses as women we really end up just playing ourselves. Because I have been unaware of my own value as a woman at times I have been desperate over a man. I have thought “he’s such a great guy”- he’s intelligent, witty, positive, encouraging and fine but he wasn’t that into me because I was so desperate and I’m sure he could sense that about me. Because I was unaware of my value and all that I have to offer as a person and as a woman he could not see my value either. When we sell our self short and are unaware of our value we cannot expect a man to see in us what we fail to see in ourselves.
The third reason I believe many of us women become desperate is because we are looking for a a man to feel a void and save us from some emotional, mental or financial bind/situation. That is to say we women jump from man to man thinking, “Maybe he will make me happy” “Maybe he will take away the pain of being molested” “Maybe he will take care of me financially” or “Maybe he can provide me with some really good sex”. The reality is no man can feel a void in your heart or in your mind, only God can. A man may make you feel good or provide something for you temporarily but true joy and happiness comes from within. Happiness comes when we focus our attention on our internal world, ourselves, our talents, our dreams, our children, our God. We have to ask ourselves why do we become desperate for a man’s attention? What does his attention do for me? Why am I willing to be the “chick on the side” when I really don’t want that? Why am I afraid to be alone? And am I aware of value?
For the women who have the fear of being alone you must do away with this fear because it is not real. We can have a good man, a family, great friends and the life we desire if we choose, but we must be careful not to become desperate to get that man; he will come to you. We must replace that fear of being alone with the belief/faith that the man we need will come when we are ready. We must know who we are and what we have to offer. I suggest making a list of 100 strengths about yourself so that you can see your value and what you truly posses. We women must know that although we have our flaws we are beautiful- inside and out. When we are aware of our strengths and our intrinsic value we will no longer be seeking his attention, instead we will be conscious and confident of who we are. He will see your value because you know your value and he will seek and pursue you, not the reverse. Lastly, we must remember that a man is just that- a man, not God. Whatever internal void we feel we have to know that no man can heal that void. No man can create our own individual self-esteem. We must know our value is just as high with or without him. Our value exists because we are created in the Image of God and no man can take that away or add to that. We must be careful to not become thirsty for a man in any form because all it does is turn a man off, makes us de-value ourselves and causes us pain. We cannot think if we just give him everything, are always available, the “booty call” or the “friends with benefits” that he will magically see the light and fall in love. Let’s love ourselves, know our value, focus on ourselves, focus on God and be true to who we are because we are just too fine, too intelligent, funny, witty, talented, attractive, spiritual, ambitious, graceful, kind, sincere, bold, pretty, beautifully shaped, goal-orientated, honest, perceptive, sexy, giving, nurturing, and did I mention sexy, nice, inspiring, motivating, open-minded, strong, political, go-getters, focused, athletic, great mothers, uplifting, awesome teachers, awesome wives and girlfriends, patient…. (You finish the rest)….
Peace, Miss Deliverance.
The fear of being alone is a fear that many women have and one of the main reasons why we women become desperate over a man. No woman wants to be successful, have great a career, a beautiful house, a luxury car and have no man to share her success and life with. The fear of being alone will cause us women to hold onto a man we should have let go 6 months or 6 years ago. The fear of being alone will have us out on dates with men we really don’t like just so we don’t have to be at home alone on a Saturday night. This fear will have us sleeping with someone else’s man because we don’t have one. This fear will have us being the “booty call” the “friend’s with benefits” even though we want more than that but we will settle for being his “play thing” because at least some man is holding us late at night. The fear of being alone makes us desperate and makes us compromise ourselves and our bodies all for the sake of having a man around- even if it’s temporary, even if he doesn’t belong to us or even if he doesn’t want/like us. The fear of being alone causes us women to stay when we should leave, causes us to call when he’s clearly, “not that into you”, causes us to always be available and ultimately it causes us to compromise who we are and act out of character. This fear ultimately causes us pain that could have been avoided.
When we are desperate for a man, his attention and his time we send that desperate energy off consciously or unconsciously. Men can tell the desperate woman (even when we try to put up a front) and he will pursue her and once he gets what he wants- sex, he will keep it at that- just sex. One of my male friends said that desperation to him signals a woman who has no standards. He said a desperate woman presents no challenge to him (and you know men love challenges- ego) and therefore he can behave or do as he pleases regardless of how she feels. Because the fear of being alone is one of the main causes of desperation we must let that fear go in order for us to be in balance with ourselves and with a man.
Another reason why so many of us women can become or are desperate is because we do not know or are unaware of our value. Many of us don’t know how beautiful we are- both inside and out, how intelligent we are, how talented we are, how much we give and how much we have to offer to the world and to a man. When we women de-value ourselves we think, “Man, he’s such a wonderful guy and I’m lucky to have him” but really he is the lucky guy and both of you guys are lucky to have each other. We have to learn to appreciate ourselves, be aware of our strengths and all of who we are because when we don’t we find ourselves with men who are not “up to par”, we find ourselves being the “booty call” when we are clearly wife material, we find ourselves staying when there are 10,000 red flags that “he ain’t the one”. We find ourselves making excuses for his inexcusable behavior. Now everything in balance because even good men will have their flaws just like we do, but a flaw that destroys the relationship and “deal breakers”- you’re just a “booty call”, constantly inconsistent, hasn’t introduced you to his parents, doesn’t believe in marriage, has “commitment issues”, lies, anger issues, hates his mama, alcoholic ect. - these things are going to destroy a relationship long term. When we are unaware of our value and what we posses as women we really end up just playing ourselves. Because I have been unaware of my own value as a woman at times I have been desperate over a man. I have thought “he’s such a great guy”- he’s intelligent, witty, positive, encouraging and fine but he wasn’t that into me because I was so desperate and I’m sure he could sense that about me. Because I was unaware of my value and all that I have to offer as a person and as a woman he could not see my value either. When we sell our self short and are unaware of our value we cannot expect a man to see in us what we fail to see in ourselves.
The third reason I believe many of us women become desperate is because we are looking for a a man to feel a void and save us from some emotional, mental or financial bind/situation. That is to say we women jump from man to man thinking, “Maybe he will make me happy” “Maybe he will take away the pain of being molested” “Maybe he will take care of me financially” or “Maybe he can provide me with some really good sex”. The reality is no man can feel a void in your heart or in your mind, only God can. A man may make you feel good or provide something for you temporarily but true joy and happiness comes from within. Happiness comes when we focus our attention on our internal world, ourselves, our talents, our dreams, our children, our God. We have to ask ourselves why do we become desperate for a man’s attention? What does his attention do for me? Why am I willing to be the “chick on the side” when I really don’t want that? Why am I afraid to be alone? And am I aware of value?
For the women who have the fear of being alone you must do away with this fear because it is not real. We can have a good man, a family, great friends and the life we desire if we choose, but we must be careful not to become desperate to get that man; he will come to you. We must replace that fear of being alone with the belief/faith that the man we need will come when we are ready. We must know who we are and what we have to offer. I suggest making a list of 100 strengths about yourself so that you can see your value and what you truly posses. We women must know that although we have our flaws we are beautiful- inside and out. When we are aware of our strengths and our intrinsic value we will no longer be seeking his attention, instead we will be conscious and confident of who we are. He will see your value because you know your value and he will seek and pursue you, not the reverse. Lastly, we must remember that a man is just that- a man, not God. Whatever internal void we feel we have to know that no man can heal that void. No man can create our own individual self-esteem. We must know our value is just as high with or without him. Our value exists because we are created in the Image of God and no man can take that away or add to that. We must be careful to not become thirsty for a man in any form because all it does is turn a man off, makes us de-value ourselves and causes us pain. We cannot think if we just give him everything, are always available, the “booty call” or the “friends with benefits” that he will magically see the light and fall in love. Let’s love ourselves, know our value, focus on ourselves, focus on God and be true to who we are because we are just too fine, too intelligent, funny, witty, talented, attractive, spiritual, ambitious, graceful, kind, sincere, bold, pretty, beautifully shaped, goal-orientated, honest, perceptive, sexy, giving, nurturing, and did I mention sexy, nice, inspiring, motivating, open-minded, strong, political, go-getters, focused, athletic, great mothers, uplifting, awesome teachers, awesome wives and girlfriends, patient…. (You finish the rest)….
Peace, Miss Deliverance.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Say it Loud, "I'm a Black Woman and I'm Proud"
Imagine a woman with a tight red dress on- Dolce and Cabana shoes, fake boobs and really, really big black hair. She has tons of make-up on- the kind that looks caked on and a plain mess. This woman is wearing too much blush, bright red lipstick, fake eyelashes, green contacts, Botox and the make-up on her face doesn’t match the color of her neck (you’ve seen this type of woman). This woman really believes she has it going on. I got one word for her- “Uhhhhh!” (well maybe that’s one sound). This is the way a prideful woman’s spirit looks like. No one really knows what this woman looks like because all the make-up, fake boobs, fake eyelashes and Botox cover up the real her. All one sees is her ugly outward appearance and no one wants to get to know her because her external appearance is so repulsive. Being secure with yourself is great, but I’m not talking about real inner-security; I’m talking about being prideful, feeling superior and making excuses for your errors and/or shortcomings because you lack humility. Pride is ugly, distasteful and it drives men, women, family and friends away.
Let’s take a closer look…
A number of black men have told me that they have met and/or dated too many black women with “bad attitudes”. Some black men have just totally written black women off, saying we have bad attitudes, we’re difficult and it’s a struggle to be with us. Some black men have said black women have tried to control them, what they do and when they do it. Some black men have even said that we’re not submissive and don’t know when to let a conversation/argument go. Can you believe these allegations about us black women? Are we really this way? Well, my answer is yes and no. These complaints are valid; however I believe all women (Black, White, Asian, and Latino) can have a “bad attitude” from time to time. I was talking to one of my black male friends who told me he hadn’t dated a black woman in 7 years, 7 years! I asked him a simple question, “Why?” He begin to tell me that the black women he has met have had bad attitudes and being in a relationship with a black woman is too difficult so instead he dates white and Latina women because he says they’re more easy going, submissive and he doesn’t experience the difficulties being with them like he does when he’s with a black woman. Now being the pro-black woman’s advocate that I am, I told him he has to give black women another chance. All black women don’t have bad attitudes, lack submission and not all of us are difficult. I began to tell him what I believe he is seeing in a lot of black women; and that is the issue of pride.
Many of us black women walk around looking like that description of that over-processed, caked-up woman; an ugly prideful mess. So what is pride and why do so many black women possess it with a badge of honor? Pride is defined by Webster as a “sense of personal superiority”. Pride is the belief that one is superior or better than someone therefore one does not have to compromise, give or be kind or considerate of all considered, “lesser than.” Being prideful is an ugly trait and it is nothing we should be proud of. Now, I do not agree 100% with my friend or other black men who say we have these issues; however I do see what many black men are talking about. Yes, we sista’s are guilty of having bad attitudes, not letting an argument go, being difficult and not knowing when to submit to our man. Yes, it is true, I have had the “bad attitude”, inability to let the argument/discussion go, unwilling to listen to sound advice just because it’s coming from my man and “he’s not going to tell me what to do, because he ain’t my daddy and he aint going control me!” Now I know the ladies I’m talking to have never been guilty of such antics- just me (LOL). Really, why are we black women so prideful? What do we gain by not admitting when were wrong? What do we gain by telling our men “Don’t tell me what to do!” Why do we find it difficult to be submissive and let a man be a man, even if that means letting him make a mistake? Why don’t some of us know how to bite our tongue? Why do we challenge a man’s ego and test his patience? Are we difficult to be with? And finally, why are so many black men completely turned off by black women?
Now everything in balance because black men have their own faults, but just because we don’t like to hear the negative things about ourselves, we can’t just dismiss these complaints as words coming from another “weak brother”. Let’s examine these complaints and if there is validity (which I think there is) lets address these issues; first the issue of the “bad attitude”. I believe black men are referring to the black woman who becomes upset/angry when things don’t go her way, rude remarks/reactions, “smart-mouthing”, sassy and just plain over the top angry, drama-queen. Or a brother approaches you and tries to “holla” and instead of saying “no thank you” you give the rude comment and give off the, “I’m too good for you vibe.” Yes, I have seen this in myself and in my sistas as well. Second complaint, we’re not submissive and we don’t listen. If our man tries to tell us how to do something or not to do something or what we could improve on we become prideful and tell them, “I don’t need your help, stop talking to me.” Yes, many of us black women definitely lack humility.
Third complaint, we don’t know when to let the argument go and let it be. You know what I’m talking about, the sista that just can’t let it go and keeps bringing the situation up, but not for resolution purposes; she just can’t shut up or forgive-yes I’ve seen this too. Fourth complaint, we can’t admit when we’re wrong because we don’t want to appear like a fool. We want to pretend like we we’ve done nothing wrong or don’t see any error in our words or actions, but in reality we are wrong, but our pride won’t permit us to say, “I apologize, I was wrong.” Pride is just like an ugly woman and pride ultimately is a lie. Pride hides our faults, our mistakes and our shortcomings, but it also hides the real us. Pride says, “I’m not apologizing.” Pride says, “Ya, I was wrong too, but I’m not going to apologize first.” Pride is damaging to all relationships and in order to become better human beings and better women we have to let go of the pride and put on the face of humility. The Bible says, “By pride comes nothing but strife”- confrontations, arguments, disputes and conflicts. The Bible also says, “Pride goes before destruction.” God can’t reach us when we don’t submit. We should never take on the attitude that, “My roses don’t stick”- because they do. Being humble allows us to be open and allow us to review ourselves. When we are prideful we lack the ability to actually look inside ourselves and make any real positive changes. Pride always points the finger, not realizing 3 fingers are pointing back at us. We must really examine our pride and ask the question, “What is my pride covering up?” For me, pride is the way I cover up my sensitivity, insecurity and shortcomings. I still struggle with the false belief that being aggressive, mean or uncompromising constitutes for strength. Being uncompromising, lacking submission and being rough and tough is not strength, it is weakness in disguise. We cannot believe that responding in a rude way, having a bad attitude, being uncompromising, aggressive and/or prideful means we’re strong neither does it mean people won’t be able to take advantage of us or that we won’t get hurt.
Many of us women are really sensitive and soft inside (and that’s not a bad thing) and there is a little girl in each of us. A lot of times that sensitive little girl got hurt or betrayed in childhood and now in order to supposedly, “prevent” being hurt or taken advantage of we respond to people and our men in a rude way, become difficult and unkind all to prove that were “strong” and were not “pushovers”. Let’s put down the walls, the attitudes and the guards and the “strong black women” façade and be who we really are- considerate, loving and kind. Many of us may be covering up our vulnerability by being rough and tough- let’s stop it! It takes strength and inner-security to submit, to compromise, to listen and acknowledge our flaws and to be kind. It takes strength and inner- security to admit that you are wrong and that you are a work in progress. So ask yourself, what is your pride covering up?
Next time our man tells us something, instead of coping an attitude maybe we should say,”Ok” and give his suggestion a try. Next time we’re wrong instead of thinking, “Well, he was wrong too”- let’s apologize first. Humility is all about being open to praise and criticism. At first when I heard these allegations from black men, I was appalled and said, “No we black women are not like that!” (Pride). But upon further review of the play their complaints, unfortunately held some validity. Let’s review ourselves and asks ourselves could this prideful woman be me?
Say it loud, “I’m a black woman and I’m humble”.
Peace, Miss Deliverance
Let’s take a closer look…
A number of black men have told me that they have met and/or dated too many black women with “bad attitudes”. Some black men have just totally written black women off, saying we have bad attitudes, we’re difficult and it’s a struggle to be with us. Some black men have said black women have tried to control them, what they do and when they do it. Some black men have even said that we’re not submissive and don’t know when to let a conversation/argument go. Can you believe these allegations about us black women? Are we really this way? Well, my answer is yes and no. These complaints are valid; however I believe all women (Black, White, Asian, and Latino) can have a “bad attitude” from time to time. I was talking to one of my black male friends who told me he hadn’t dated a black woman in 7 years, 7 years! I asked him a simple question, “Why?” He begin to tell me that the black women he has met have had bad attitudes and being in a relationship with a black woman is too difficult so instead he dates white and Latina women because he says they’re more easy going, submissive and he doesn’t experience the difficulties being with them like he does when he’s with a black woman. Now being the pro-black woman’s advocate that I am, I told him he has to give black women another chance. All black women don’t have bad attitudes, lack submission and not all of us are difficult. I began to tell him what I believe he is seeing in a lot of black women; and that is the issue of pride.
Many of us black women walk around looking like that description of that over-processed, caked-up woman; an ugly prideful mess. So what is pride and why do so many black women possess it with a badge of honor? Pride is defined by Webster as a “sense of personal superiority”. Pride is the belief that one is superior or better than someone therefore one does not have to compromise, give or be kind or considerate of all considered, “lesser than.” Being prideful is an ugly trait and it is nothing we should be proud of. Now, I do not agree 100% with my friend or other black men who say we have these issues; however I do see what many black men are talking about. Yes, we sista’s are guilty of having bad attitudes, not letting an argument go, being difficult and not knowing when to submit to our man. Yes, it is true, I have had the “bad attitude”, inability to let the argument/discussion go, unwilling to listen to sound advice just because it’s coming from my man and “he’s not going to tell me what to do, because he ain’t my daddy and he aint going control me!” Now I know the ladies I’m talking to have never been guilty of such antics- just me (LOL). Really, why are we black women so prideful? What do we gain by not admitting when were wrong? What do we gain by telling our men “Don’t tell me what to do!” Why do we find it difficult to be submissive and let a man be a man, even if that means letting him make a mistake? Why don’t some of us know how to bite our tongue? Why do we challenge a man’s ego and test his patience? Are we difficult to be with? And finally, why are so many black men completely turned off by black women?
Now everything in balance because black men have their own faults, but just because we don’t like to hear the negative things about ourselves, we can’t just dismiss these complaints as words coming from another “weak brother”. Let’s examine these complaints and if there is validity (which I think there is) lets address these issues; first the issue of the “bad attitude”. I believe black men are referring to the black woman who becomes upset/angry when things don’t go her way, rude remarks/reactions, “smart-mouthing”, sassy and just plain over the top angry, drama-queen. Or a brother approaches you and tries to “holla” and instead of saying “no thank you” you give the rude comment and give off the, “I’m too good for you vibe.” Yes, I have seen this in myself and in my sistas as well. Second complaint, we’re not submissive and we don’t listen. If our man tries to tell us how to do something or not to do something or what we could improve on we become prideful and tell them, “I don’t need your help, stop talking to me.” Yes, many of us black women definitely lack humility.
Third complaint, we don’t know when to let the argument go and let it be. You know what I’m talking about, the sista that just can’t let it go and keeps bringing the situation up, but not for resolution purposes; she just can’t shut up or forgive-yes I’ve seen this too. Fourth complaint, we can’t admit when we’re wrong because we don’t want to appear like a fool. We want to pretend like we we’ve done nothing wrong or don’t see any error in our words or actions, but in reality we are wrong, but our pride won’t permit us to say, “I apologize, I was wrong.” Pride is just like an ugly woman and pride ultimately is a lie. Pride hides our faults, our mistakes and our shortcomings, but it also hides the real us. Pride says, “I’m not apologizing.” Pride says, “Ya, I was wrong too, but I’m not going to apologize first.” Pride is damaging to all relationships and in order to become better human beings and better women we have to let go of the pride and put on the face of humility. The Bible says, “By pride comes nothing but strife”- confrontations, arguments, disputes and conflicts. The Bible also says, “Pride goes before destruction.” God can’t reach us when we don’t submit. We should never take on the attitude that, “My roses don’t stick”- because they do. Being humble allows us to be open and allow us to review ourselves. When we are prideful we lack the ability to actually look inside ourselves and make any real positive changes. Pride always points the finger, not realizing 3 fingers are pointing back at us. We must really examine our pride and ask the question, “What is my pride covering up?” For me, pride is the way I cover up my sensitivity, insecurity and shortcomings. I still struggle with the false belief that being aggressive, mean or uncompromising constitutes for strength. Being uncompromising, lacking submission and being rough and tough is not strength, it is weakness in disguise. We cannot believe that responding in a rude way, having a bad attitude, being uncompromising, aggressive and/or prideful means we’re strong neither does it mean people won’t be able to take advantage of us or that we won’t get hurt.
Many of us women are really sensitive and soft inside (and that’s not a bad thing) and there is a little girl in each of us. A lot of times that sensitive little girl got hurt or betrayed in childhood and now in order to supposedly, “prevent” being hurt or taken advantage of we respond to people and our men in a rude way, become difficult and unkind all to prove that were “strong” and were not “pushovers”. Let’s put down the walls, the attitudes and the guards and the “strong black women” façade and be who we really are- considerate, loving and kind. Many of us may be covering up our vulnerability by being rough and tough- let’s stop it! It takes strength and inner-security to submit, to compromise, to listen and acknowledge our flaws and to be kind. It takes strength and inner- security to admit that you are wrong and that you are a work in progress. So ask yourself, what is your pride covering up?
Next time our man tells us something, instead of coping an attitude maybe we should say,”Ok” and give his suggestion a try. Next time we’re wrong instead of thinking, “Well, he was wrong too”- let’s apologize first. Humility is all about being open to praise and criticism. At first when I heard these allegations from black men, I was appalled and said, “No we black women are not like that!” (Pride). But upon further review of the play their complaints, unfortunately held some validity. Let’s review ourselves and asks ourselves could this prideful woman be me?
Say it loud, “I’m a black woman and I’m humble”.
Peace, Miss Deliverance
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
"DADDY ROOTS"
Disclaimer: If you are one of the many women who have been blessed to have a loving, caring, emotionally healthy father, sorry this is not for you. I am happy that your father was present and whole, but this is for all the women who still suffer or suffered from dysfunctional “Daddy roots”- absent, emotionally absent, passive or abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally) fathers.
Yesterday I decided to call my ex-boyfriend for a specific reason. We were catching up for a little bit, talking about different topics, future goals and other "conscious theories" and then I decided to do what I must do. I apologized. I apologized for being stubborn, not willing to compromise, or listen to him. I apologized for being rude, not always treating him with respect and having a bad attitude at times. He told me," It's was coo and we were young, and that I didn't have to apologize." We talked a little bit longer and than we got off the phone. I felt like a recovering alcoholic- I had completed step 9- I had made amends for my past errors and mistakes. The reason why I was so stubborn and unwilling to compromise had a lot to do with my beliefs about men, based off my father. Maybe you can relate, Read on...
Every living thing has a foundation; every living thing has roots. We are here because a man and a woman created us through sex. A tree can only grow and bear apples, oranges or lemons because it has roots. Every living thing must have a foundation in order to become fully into being. We women must go back to our roots to truly understand our relationships with men. Since the first relationship with a man is our father, we must go back to that relationship in order to fully understand how and why we relate to me in the ways we do.
Unfortunately many women have no “Daddy roots” at all. That is to say many of us women have had absent fathers. Many fathers were either absent physically from the home or emotionally (or both in many cases). Emotionally absent fathers are fathers who are in the home but they’re not “present”. A father who is emotionally absent does not display his feelings, show affection, show tenderness or shows that he cares (although he might). Women who grow up with an emotionally absent father might find themselves in a relationship with a man who does not show them love, care or reveal any real feelings- just like their daddy. Or these women might be with a man who is over-emotional and being with this type of man is like being on an emotional roller coaster. Women who experience emotionally absent fathers are really at a lost when it comes to relating to men.
Not only are the daughters of emotionally absent fathers at a lost but so are the women who grown up without fathers physically in the home. Many of us women who grow up without “Daddy” are ignorant about how men should treat us or speak to us. Growing up with daddy in the home allows a little girl to practice and experience relating to a man. When your father is absent you completely miss out on that male/ female interaction. Women who experience the absence of their father might develop a belief system that all men will leave them eventually (as their father’s left their mother’s). This belief system can be damaging when a woman enters into an intimate relationship with a man. A woman who holds the belief system that, “he’s only around temporarily” might not give her all in a relationship and/or might not compromise. That is to say she might hold back on revealing herself or she might not give her emotions and heart away to a man out of the fear that “he’s going to leave me eventually.” The woman with this belief system might also cheat on her man because she with holds her feelings and emotions from him. If a woman holds this type of belief system in relation to men she might also think, “I will leave him before he leaves me.” This type of thought system can be dangerous because she could develop a tendency to run from a relationship when it gets rocky. A woman with an absent father might also develop the belief system that, "I don't need a man, I can do it by myself (like their mothers)" In reality we DO need men and men need women. We have to let go of our pride and realize we do need men and because we need men, this does not make us weak! I speak of all these things because I have held all of these belief systems in relation to men, because my father was absent. Because my father was absent I developed a belief that, “he’s only here temporarily- how long until he leaves me?” This belief caused me to leave a relationship if I felt the slightest possibility of break up. In my mind I was going to break up with you before you could leave me. Because my father was absent I also developed a belief system that told me to hold back, to not reveal all of myself to him, to not invest too much into this relationship because it’s only temporary. Now, really, how could I build a real relationship or even a marriage with such a belief system?
Women who have no roots (absent fathers) must observe and learn from the mistakes of their mothers, sisters, aunties and friends and choose to relate to men in a different way. All is not loss for the woman with no roots because God exist! We women can ask God to teach us how to relate to men, how to be sensitive to his ego, how to show him respect and how to give and receive in balance. We can also ask God to show us how a man should speak to us, how he should treat us, and what characteristics really matter- integrity, honesty, intelligence and a sincere love for who we are. God can and will answers prayers. If we sincerely want to be better and our willing to change God can and will reveal how we should be treated by a man and vies versa. We women of absent fathers must remember that our fathers were never really absent because God, our Father has always been present in our lives.
There are many women who have grown up without their fathers, but there are many women who grew up with their fathers. These women may have their own separate issues with men. Women who grew up with their fathers must ask themselves, “How do I feel about my father?” “What did my father teach me about men?” Some women have had a father in the home, but he never gave of himself. Maybe your father bought you “stuff” but never showed you any real love or care. Subconsciously or consciously you may have come to believe a man that loves you buys you “stuff” but never gives of himself. Or maybe you had a father who you considered “weak or passive” because your mother played the head role in the home. Now you might find yourself with a man who lets you “run the show” but you don’t respect him. Or maybe you had a passive father and now you can’t stand a passive man, so now you date men who are overly aggressive. Maybe you are the woman who grew up with a physically or emotionally abusive father. You might have learned consciously or subconsciously that a man shows you love by beating you, calling you out your name or degrading you verbally. You might have no idea what love is, so you gravitate to abusive, insecure, controlling men because that’s familiar to you. No matter the “type” of father you had we could all use healing from inadequate “daddy roots”.
I believe the first step for all women who suffered from the lack of daddy roots or dysfunctional daddy roots is forgiveness. Whether your father was absent, passive or abusive we must forgive our fathers. Forgiveness is the only way to wholeness and healing. If we struggle in this area we have to pray to God until we truly let go and forgive our fathers. After we forgive we must examine our internal thought belief systems about men. These thoughts may be the ones we never say aloud but they exist deep in our subconscious and deep in your heart. If we have negative belief systems about men based off our fathers- we must LET THEM GO! We must also let go of our pride and stop pretending like we women "don't need a man." We must also realize we don’t know every man in the world, and every man is not like our father. Once we have forgiven our fathers and released our negative belief systems about men we have to replace them with positive ones. This will not be easy and it will take time, but it is worthwhile. Let’s be open to changing ourselves, our beliefs, let go of our pride and allow our hearts to be open to that good man we’ve always wanted. When you go back to your daddy roots and examine those deep beliefs systems about men you can begin to heal at the foundation and re-grow new roots. Examine your thoughts and your feelings about your own father and men in general and be willing to change. Be true to yourself.
Peace, Miss Deliverance
Yesterday I decided to call my ex-boyfriend for a specific reason. We were catching up for a little bit, talking about different topics, future goals and other "conscious theories" and then I decided to do what I must do. I apologized. I apologized for being stubborn, not willing to compromise, or listen to him. I apologized for being rude, not always treating him with respect and having a bad attitude at times. He told me," It's was coo and we were young, and that I didn't have to apologize." We talked a little bit longer and than we got off the phone. I felt like a recovering alcoholic- I had completed step 9- I had made amends for my past errors and mistakes. The reason why I was so stubborn and unwilling to compromise had a lot to do with my beliefs about men, based off my father. Maybe you can relate, Read on...
Every living thing has a foundation; every living thing has roots. We are here because a man and a woman created us through sex. A tree can only grow and bear apples, oranges or lemons because it has roots. Every living thing must have a foundation in order to become fully into being. We women must go back to our roots to truly understand our relationships with men. Since the first relationship with a man is our father, we must go back to that relationship in order to fully understand how and why we relate to me in the ways we do.
Unfortunately many women have no “Daddy roots” at all. That is to say many of us women have had absent fathers. Many fathers were either absent physically from the home or emotionally (or both in many cases). Emotionally absent fathers are fathers who are in the home but they’re not “present”. A father who is emotionally absent does not display his feelings, show affection, show tenderness or shows that he cares (although he might). Women who grow up with an emotionally absent father might find themselves in a relationship with a man who does not show them love, care or reveal any real feelings- just like their daddy. Or these women might be with a man who is over-emotional and being with this type of man is like being on an emotional roller coaster. Women who experience emotionally absent fathers are really at a lost when it comes to relating to men.
Not only are the daughters of emotionally absent fathers at a lost but so are the women who grown up without fathers physically in the home. Many of us women who grow up without “Daddy” are ignorant about how men should treat us or speak to us. Growing up with daddy in the home allows a little girl to practice and experience relating to a man. When your father is absent you completely miss out on that male/ female interaction. Women who experience the absence of their father might develop a belief system that all men will leave them eventually (as their father’s left their mother’s). This belief system can be damaging when a woman enters into an intimate relationship with a man. A woman who holds the belief system that, “he’s only around temporarily” might not give her all in a relationship and/or might not compromise. That is to say she might hold back on revealing herself or she might not give her emotions and heart away to a man out of the fear that “he’s going to leave me eventually.” The woman with this belief system might also cheat on her man because she with holds her feelings and emotions from him. If a woman holds this type of belief system in relation to men she might also think, “I will leave him before he leaves me.” This type of thought system can be dangerous because she could develop a tendency to run from a relationship when it gets rocky. A woman with an absent father might also develop the belief system that, "I don't need a man, I can do it by myself (like their mothers)" In reality we DO need men and men need women. We have to let go of our pride and realize we do need men and because we need men, this does not make us weak! I speak of all these things because I have held all of these belief systems in relation to men, because my father was absent. Because my father was absent I developed a belief that, “he’s only here temporarily- how long until he leaves me?” This belief caused me to leave a relationship if I felt the slightest possibility of break up. In my mind I was going to break up with you before you could leave me. Because my father was absent I also developed a belief system that told me to hold back, to not reveal all of myself to him, to not invest too much into this relationship because it’s only temporary. Now, really, how could I build a real relationship or even a marriage with such a belief system?
Women who have no roots (absent fathers) must observe and learn from the mistakes of their mothers, sisters, aunties and friends and choose to relate to men in a different way. All is not loss for the woman with no roots because God exist! We women can ask God to teach us how to relate to men, how to be sensitive to his ego, how to show him respect and how to give and receive in balance. We can also ask God to show us how a man should speak to us, how he should treat us, and what characteristics really matter- integrity, honesty, intelligence and a sincere love for who we are. God can and will answers prayers. If we sincerely want to be better and our willing to change God can and will reveal how we should be treated by a man and vies versa. We women of absent fathers must remember that our fathers were never really absent because God, our Father has always been present in our lives.
There are many women who have grown up without their fathers, but there are many women who grew up with their fathers. These women may have their own separate issues with men. Women who grew up with their fathers must ask themselves, “How do I feel about my father?” “What did my father teach me about men?” Some women have had a father in the home, but he never gave of himself. Maybe your father bought you “stuff” but never showed you any real love or care. Subconsciously or consciously you may have come to believe a man that loves you buys you “stuff” but never gives of himself. Or maybe you had a father who you considered “weak or passive” because your mother played the head role in the home. Now you might find yourself with a man who lets you “run the show” but you don’t respect him. Or maybe you had a passive father and now you can’t stand a passive man, so now you date men who are overly aggressive. Maybe you are the woman who grew up with a physically or emotionally abusive father. You might have learned consciously or subconsciously that a man shows you love by beating you, calling you out your name or degrading you verbally. You might have no idea what love is, so you gravitate to abusive, insecure, controlling men because that’s familiar to you. No matter the “type” of father you had we could all use healing from inadequate “daddy roots”.
I believe the first step for all women who suffered from the lack of daddy roots or dysfunctional daddy roots is forgiveness. Whether your father was absent, passive or abusive we must forgive our fathers. Forgiveness is the only way to wholeness and healing. If we struggle in this area we have to pray to God until we truly let go and forgive our fathers. After we forgive we must examine our internal thought belief systems about men. These thoughts may be the ones we never say aloud but they exist deep in our subconscious and deep in your heart. If we have negative belief systems about men based off our fathers- we must LET THEM GO! We must also let go of our pride and stop pretending like we women "don't need a man." We must also realize we don’t know every man in the world, and every man is not like our father. Once we have forgiven our fathers and released our negative belief systems about men we have to replace them with positive ones. This will not be easy and it will take time, but it is worthwhile. Let’s be open to changing ourselves, our beliefs, let go of our pride and allow our hearts to be open to that good man we’ve always wanted. When you go back to your daddy roots and examine those deep beliefs systems about men you can begin to heal at the foundation and re-grow new roots. Examine your thoughts and your feelings about your own father and men in general and be willing to change. Be true to yourself.
Peace, Miss Deliverance
Friday, December 11, 2009
That's A Good Man!
THAT’S A GOOD MAN!
“Behind every Good Black Man are 5 women who wished they had given him a chance!” Miss D.
Why do we women wish for something when we really don’t believe it’s going to come true? Why do we hope for something that will never come into being? Why do we pray with the absence of expectation? What are we really afraid of? I’ve met countless women who say that they want a “good man” who is “God-fearing”, respectful, smart, loves their kids, nurtures them emotionally, spiritually and materially (yes we women can be a tad bit materialistic) kind-hearted, loving and giving. Now, let’s be realistic, a man can have many of the qualities just described but he will definitely have his flaws; as all humans do. However, when we find a man who is good to us (even with his flaws) and truly loves us; why in the hell do we become afraid?
We say we want a “good man” but do we really? I’ve seen many women trade their “good man” in for a man who brings them excitement for a season. So ladies, do we really want a good man or do we want a man that makes us feel good temporarily? I’ve seen the man with no ability to love, disrespectful, emotionally immature, rude, inconsiderate and selfish with the successful, determined, empathetic, giving, loving wife (not to say she does not have her flaws). I wonder, how did he get her? Did she settle? Was she once approached by a few good men in her life time? I think one of the main reasons we women turn down a good man is because he may not come in the package we expect him to come in. Maybe he isn’t 6’ 4” with dark chocolate Morris Chestnut skin and a Mercedes Benz. Maybe he isn’t making 6 figures a year or maybe your good man isn’t even black? Whatever the reason(s) we have all turned down good men and now we’re sitting here looking at sorry Joe Blow saying, “Damn, I should have gave so and so a try!”
We have to look inside ourselves and be honest. We might need to ask ourselves, “Why am I afraid of being treated with respect, love and dignity?” “Do I believe I am are worthy of a man’s love?” Do we truly believe we deserve the best? How have we been programmed to believe/feel we should be treated by a man based off our first relationship with a male-our fathers’? I know from my own personal experience I have turned down good men simply because I believed he should have been slightly more attractive. I have turned down a good man because his body should have had a little more of an athletic built in my opinion. The reality was I was shallow (although I thought I was the “deepest” sista’ around) and deep down inside I doubted if a man could really love me and I doubted if I could actually love a good man in return. I’m not for sure, but I believe that these good men I have turned down have gone on to be with great women who truly appreciate them. I didn’t know how to appreciate a good man because I was so caught up on the physical/surface and all that got me was more men I really didn’t like or men I really didn’t need in my life.
Women next time you find a possible good man don’t be so quick to dismiss him because of surface reasons. You might want to re-consider and ask yourself, “Am I focusing on the surface? Does he have a good heart? Do I believe I deserve to be loved in the right way? Does he treat me like a queen even though he only makes 38,000 dollars a year?” One thing I am for sure, that fine man will turn ugly real fast if he doesn’t treat you right. Be true to yourself and when you ask God for that “good man”, believe he will come, but not in the package you might expect.
Peace, Miss Deliverance
“Behind every Good Black Man are 5 women who wished they had given him a chance!” Miss D.
Why do we women wish for something when we really don’t believe it’s going to come true? Why do we hope for something that will never come into being? Why do we pray with the absence of expectation? What are we really afraid of? I’ve met countless women who say that they want a “good man” who is “God-fearing”, respectful, smart, loves their kids, nurtures them emotionally, spiritually and materially (yes we women can be a tad bit materialistic) kind-hearted, loving and giving. Now, let’s be realistic, a man can have many of the qualities just described but he will definitely have his flaws; as all humans do. However, when we find a man who is good to us (even with his flaws) and truly loves us; why in the hell do we become afraid?
We say we want a “good man” but do we really? I’ve seen many women trade their “good man” in for a man who brings them excitement for a season. So ladies, do we really want a good man or do we want a man that makes us feel good temporarily? I’ve seen the man with no ability to love, disrespectful, emotionally immature, rude, inconsiderate and selfish with the successful, determined, empathetic, giving, loving wife (not to say she does not have her flaws). I wonder, how did he get her? Did she settle? Was she once approached by a few good men in her life time? I think one of the main reasons we women turn down a good man is because he may not come in the package we expect him to come in. Maybe he isn’t 6’ 4” with dark chocolate Morris Chestnut skin and a Mercedes Benz. Maybe he isn’t making 6 figures a year or maybe your good man isn’t even black? Whatever the reason(s) we have all turned down good men and now we’re sitting here looking at sorry Joe Blow saying, “Damn, I should have gave so and so a try!”
We have to look inside ourselves and be honest. We might need to ask ourselves, “Why am I afraid of being treated with respect, love and dignity?” “Do I believe I am are worthy of a man’s love?” Do we truly believe we deserve the best? How have we been programmed to believe/feel we should be treated by a man based off our first relationship with a male-our fathers’? I know from my own personal experience I have turned down good men simply because I believed he should have been slightly more attractive. I have turned down a good man because his body should have had a little more of an athletic built in my opinion. The reality was I was shallow (although I thought I was the “deepest” sista’ around) and deep down inside I doubted if a man could really love me and I doubted if I could actually love a good man in return. I’m not for sure, but I believe that these good men I have turned down have gone on to be with great women who truly appreciate them. I didn’t know how to appreciate a good man because I was so caught up on the physical/surface and all that got me was more men I really didn’t like or men I really didn’t need in my life.
Women next time you find a possible good man don’t be so quick to dismiss him because of surface reasons. You might want to re-consider and ask yourself, “Am I focusing on the surface? Does he have a good heart? Do I believe I deserve to be loved in the right way? Does he treat me like a queen even though he only makes 38,000 dollars a year?” One thing I am for sure, that fine man will turn ugly real fast if he doesn’t treat you right. Be true to yourself and when you ask God for that “good man”, believe he will come, but not in the package you might expect.
Peace, Miss Deliverance
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